reality_bends | Emotions running high

Emotions running high

Continued from here.

"No," Wesley said, when what he really meant was yes, please, more. He was aware that he shouldn't do that -- say one thing when he meant another -- but he couldn't, simply couldn't ask for what he needed. He moved toward Spike just a tiny bit, wanting the comfort of his body but unable to ask for that either. Every muscle in his body was tense, his eyes burning with unshed tears.

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

With a small, sad smile, Spike said, "Yes." He slid his hands off of Wesley's shoulders and around his waist, stepping in closer and slowly drawing him in for a hug. "I do. More than I can tell you."

Wesley leaned in to Spike, shaking with shame and emotion. He wanted to cling to the vampire, but he coudn't make his arms move, so he just stayed exactly as he was, praying silently that Spike wouldn't let go of him.

"It's all right, love," Spike said. He felt a bit awkward holding Wesley but not being held in return, but the way Wesley was pressing against him kept him there. "I've got you, and I'm not going anywhere."

Squeezing his eyes more tightly shut, Wesley finally managed to get an arm around Spike's waist, and a bit of control over himself at the same time. "Could we sit down?" he asked, his voice almost painfully rough.

Except to sit down, apparently, Spike thought, but he was smart enough to keep the wisecrack to himself. "Whatever you want," he said, still rather unsure whether he had made things better or worse.

Wesley didn't want to release Spike now that he had ahold of him, so they turned, still with one arm around the other, and walked awkwardly to the side of the bed, where they sat. "Thanks. Sorry."

"It's all right," Spike said gently. He was quiet for a moment before asking, "Have I helped at all?"

Reaching out to rest his hand on Spike's bare leg, Wesley said, "Yes, of course. It's not your fault that I'm..." He shrugged a bit.

"It's not about fault," Spike said, covering Wesley's hand with his own. "It's not a problem. I just want to know if I'm making you feel better or if I'm not giving you what you need."

"I think what I need is the problem," Wesley said shakily.

Spike gave Wesley's hand a gentle squeeze and tighted his arm around his waist. "What do you need?" he asked. "Tell me, and I'll do my best to give it to you."

"You," Wesley said, then he realized that could easily be taken the wrong way. "I mean... you do give me everything I need. Even when, sometimes, I don't want it. Don't want to need it." He drew a shuddering breath. "I'm sorry."

It hurt to hear that Wesley didn't want to need him, but Spike couldn't really blame him for it. If it meant that Wesley might work to overcome those needs in the future, Spike couldn't think about that problem now. "Don't apologize. But if you want something and you can get it you should take it. Why wouldn't you? It's not hurting anyone."

Now that he felt he might be able to avoid crying, Wesley struggled to explain. "But I don't want to... take it. I want our relationship to be equal, not me needing reassurance constantly and then falling apart when I get it. There are already so many other reasons I need you."

"You reassure me. You love me. I'd say that makes us equal." Trying not to ask the wrong question and sound too critical, even though he wanted to understand why Wesley got so upset, Spike settled on saying, "Does it help, what I say to you?"

"Yes and no," Wesley said with a twisted expression that was meant to be a smile. He turned his hand under Spike's and held on. "It does help, I just end up like this. Emotional."

"Emotional's all right with me, love," Spike said, still searching Wesley's face for the key that would unlock the mystery of his reactions. "But I don't want to make you feel worse."

"I was..." There had to be a way to put it so that Spike would understand, without Wesley needing to say the unthinkable. "I was taught," he said carefully, "not to do that."

Spike shook his head in disbelief. "Not to have emotions? Feeling things is one of the ways you know you're alive. Or not, in my case, but you get the idea." He squeezed Wesley's hand and asked, "Is that really how you want to be? 'Cause I can tell you it's never going to work. Your heart's way too big for that."

"Yes, I suppose not to have them would be the ideal," Wesley said, concentrating on the first part. "Not showing them was considered sufficient."

"Is that what you want?" Spike asked again.

"I don't know." Wesley rubbed his face with his free hand. "I'm not sure I know how to tell."

As someone who was governed by his emotions and desires, it was nearly impossible for Spike to comprehend being in Wesley's position. Spike had to feel things. He had no choice. As far as he could tell, though, neither did Wesley. He was just fighting it. "You already feel things deeply. You know you do. If you could, would you rather have that - joy, passion, love, anger - or do you want to shut it all away?" he asked. "Not the answer you think you're supposed to give. What do you really want?"

Wesley tried to think. "I've always fallen short of the mark," he said. "You're saying that maybe that's because I'm just not meant to meet it." He felt inexplicably weary. "No, of course I don't want to shut it all away."

"I'm saying it's a bloody stupid mark. Why would you want to meet it?" Hoping that they might actually be getting somewhere, Spike said more gently, "It'd be easier on you - on both of us - if you could let go of some of the guilt you feel about needing things, love. I want to give you everything, and I'd like it if you'd take it."

"I'm sorry," Wesley said, letting go of Spike's hand and stroking lightly over his arm instead. "I didn't... I should have realized this wasn't easy for you either."

"Seeing you upset and feeling like I can't do a sodding thing about it isn't exactly a walk in the park," Spike said dryly. "I'm never sure if I should keep talking or stop altogether." He gave Wesley a faint grin. "Want to give me a hint?"

"I wish I knew," Wesley said, troubled but trying to return Spike's grin. "I suppose it depends on what you want from it. If you keep talking and saying wonderful things about me, chances are good I'm going to end up... being emotional. If you stop, I'll be both grateful and wanting more at the same time." God, this was difficult to talk about.

Stifling a sigh, Spike said, "That's not much of a help. What I want is for you to hear what I'm saying and believe it. I want you to know what I see in you, and I think you need to hear it. But if you'd really be happier if I stopped..." He trailed off, feeling as lost as ever when it came to Wesley's reactions.

"I thought we were talking about what you wanted," Wesley said apologetically. "I don't..." He ducked his head, looking down at the floor. "I do like it when you say those things."

Spike was relieved to get some sort of indication that he wasn't hurting Wesley when he was trying to help. "Then I'll keep saying them, and you can get as emotional as you like. All right?"

"But that's the part I don't like," Wesley said. "I just wish I could hear those things without feeling as if I were five years old and desperate for approval."

"You're never going to stop feeling that way until you get used to hearing it," Spike pointed out. "So you've got two choices: listen and wait for it to get easier or ask me to stop."

As much as it made him uncomfortable to admit it, Wesley had to say, "I don't want you to stop."

"Good. I don't want to have to hold in how much I love you and how incredible I know you are," Spike said, unable to keep back his smile. He took Wesley's hand in his again and drew him a bit closer into the circle of his arm. "To be honest, pet, I love that it means so much to you. I love that I can give you something you haven't had enough of."

"I just..." Wesley cleared his throat, grateful for Spike's physical support. "I don't need to be told I'm incredible -- not that I mind it. I just need to feel that you accept me, that you see who I am and want me to be part of your life... God, I sound like an idiot."

"You don't," Spike said, his voice soft and encouraging. "You're telling me what you need, and I need that. I need to know." He wished that Wesley were meeting his eyes, but he kept going, anyway. "And I do see you. I do want you in my life. That's why I'm here."

"I need to know that you won't leave me." The way everyone else has.

Spike's response was swift and certain. "I'm not going to leave you. I will never want to. How can I prove it to you?"

Wesley laughed painfully, feeling the familiar ache of self-hatred in his chest. "By not leaving me, I suppose." He looked up at Spike. "Maybe, in time, I'll stop worrying about it so much?"

One way or another, Spike thought, since he was far less certain about Wesley's future treatment of him. He held Wesley's gaze, though, and said seriously and precisely, "I'm not going to leave you. Not for an hour, if you don't want it, and definitely not for good. I love you. That means I'm not leaving."

"I think I could handle an hour," Wesley said, smiling a little bit. "Although I'm sure I'd miss you terribly." He ran a hand up Spike's arm and over his shoulder, noting that just touching Spike made him feel better, more secure.

Grateful for Wesley's smile, Spike said, "I'm sure you'd manage. Hell, you'd probably want to be alone longer than that." He lowered his voice pseudo-conspiratorily and said, "I'm told I can be grating."

Wesley felt his expression soften. "No," he said. "Not to me. Not now that I know you."

Continues here (http://www.livejournal.com/community/reality_bends/57824.html).

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

Emotions running high

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject