Some conversations are just really difficult

[wesleysgirl.livejournal.com]

Continued from here.

Wesley looked at Spike and smiled slightly. "Were there other things you wanted to know? I suppose this would be the time to ask."

Comments

[flaming-muse.livejournal.com]

"I want to know everything about you, pet. Your highs, your lows, your favorite fantasies, your greatest desires, every secret you've kept hidden." Spike grinned. "Sounds like we could be here a while."

[wesleysgirl.livejournal.com]

"I was more referring to my past experiences as Head Boy," Wesley said. "Although you seemed more interested in how I got there."

[flaming-muse.livejournal.com]

"Sorry. You're distracting." Spike tried to think for a moment, but he could feel his jealousy rising again. "I'd ask you to tell me about a favorite memory that still gets you hot when you're alone at night - or at least it did before you dragged me into your bed and stopped being alone - but I think I'd be happier if I didn't. So you're off the hook, and I'll probably kick myself when I sober up."

[wesleysgirl.livejournal.com]

"If you change your mind later, you could ask again," Wesley pointed out. "I'm not the one who's drunk." He paused, then asked, "I'd still like it if you'd share whatever it is that has you so worried."

[flaming-muse.livejournal.com]

Spike sighed and looked down at the table, his good mood deflating even more. "I know you would," he said quietly, pushing the handle of the mug with his index finger.

[wesleysgirl.livejournal.com]

"If you don't tell me, it will continue to eat away at you." Wesley sighed. "It's not going away on its own."

[flaming-muse.livejournal.com]

"I'm drunk. I'm allowed to wallow," Spike said rather petulantly. "I'll be fine in the morning."

[wesleysgirl.livejournal.com]

"I'll allow you to wallow," Wesley said, his own voice taking on a somewhat sharper tone. "What I won't permit you to do is lie to yourself. This isn't the sort of thing that will be fine in the morning, and I think you know that."

[flaming-muse.livejournal.com]

Sitting taller in his chair and squaring his jaw, Spike met Wesley's eyes again. "Why is it so bloody important to you that I talk about something I don't want to talk about and isn't going to make either of us any happier?"

[wesleysgirl.livejournal.com]

"Because you need to."

[flaming-muse.livejournal.com]

"I don't," Spike said, his gaze not wavering.

[wesleysgirl.livejournal.com]

"You're lying," Wesley said calmly. "Either to me, or to yourself."

[flaming-muse.livejournal.com]

Spike began to bounce his leg in frustration. "I think I'm more aware of the truth here than you are."

[wesleysgirl.livejournal.com]

"We can't build a relationship if you're convinced that there are things I can't handle about your past. I was a Watcher, for Gods' sake. Do you seriously believe that I have no idea what you've done?"

[flaming-muse.livejournal.com]

"There are things I can't handle about my past," Spike said angrily, pushing himself to his feet. "And it's got nothing to do with being a vampire."

[wesleysgirl.livejournal.com]

Wesley stood up as well, but deliberately stayed where he was, not wanting to put more pressure on Spike by moving closer. "Tell me."

[flaming-muse.livejournal.com]

"I'd rather talk about Angel," Spike said in a desperate attempt to steer Wesley in a different direction.

[wesleysgirl.livejournal.com]

"Wonder of wonders, I wouldn't." Wesley didn't move. "Just say it."

[flaming-muse.livejournal.com]

Spike looked at Wesley for a long moment, but he couldn't think of any way to avoid the subject other than to leave, which, if he did, he knew he'd be doing for good. He dropped his gaze, feeling lost, defeated. "Love, if I couldn't talk about it with her, how can I find the words to talk about it with you?"

[wesleysgirl.livejournal.com]

That hurt more than Wesley could have possibly imagined -- not that it was difficult for Spike to talk about whatever it was, he'd known that, but the insinuation that Buffy would have come first. That she did come first, even though she wasn't here and Spike had said that he wouldn't go to her.

It felt, he thought rather vaguely, like being shot in the gut.

"No, of course not," he managed to say after what seemed like an eternity.

[flaming-muse.livejournal.com]

"I'm sorry," Spike said, his brow furrowed at he stared at a smudge of dirt on the kitchen floor. "I know this is important to you, but I... I could boast for a month straight about all of my supposed virtues, but I'm used to other people being the ones talking about my failings, small and large." He glanced up with a very small but wry grin forming on his lips and was surprised to find Wesley looking hurt. "Oh, bugger it, what did I say?"

[wesleysgirl.livejournal.com]

"What? No, nothing," Wesley lied. "I shouldn't have pushed you. I apologize."

[flaming-muse.livejournal.com]

Spike took a step toward Wesley, his eyes narrowing. "Oh, no. I know you better than that, Wes. What do you think I said that I didn't say that's making you go all English again? You'll remember I graced those green and pleasant lands long before you did. I recognize the signs."

[wesleysgirl.livejournal.com]

"You're more than entitled to feel that Buffy's a better confessor than I would be, under any circumstances," Wesley said, backing up half a step so as to keep the distance between them acceptable.

[flaming-muse.livejournal.com]

"A better..." Frowning, Spike trailed off, trying to understand. He did, however, take another step forward and grabbed Wesley's arm gently but firmly so that he couldn't get any further away. "Look, I don't know what you heard, but what I said was that I couldn't talk about what happened with Buffy with Buffy, and she was there and knew everything. It's not about her being a better confessor; it's about me not having the bloody words to talk about how it feels to have done something that's so against everything I thought I was I can't forgive myself for doing it even though supposedly I'm not the same me who did it." He knew that that made little sense, but he hoped that Wesley, who was both sober and far brighter, might be able to muddle through at least some of it.

[wesleysgirl.livejournal.com]

"Wait... you what?" Wesley was so intrigued by the mystery of what Spike had just said -- or tried to say -- that he stood quite still, not attempting to move away, as he puzzled it out. "Something happened between you and Buffy, before you got the soul."

[flaming-muse.livejournal.com]

"Yes, and very little of it was good," Spike said.

[wesleysgirl.livejournal.com]

They seemed to be back to a place they'd already been. "Tell me what happened," Wesley said gently.

[flaming-muse.livejournal.com]

Spike let go of Wesley and pushed a hand through his own hair. "God, where do you want me to begin?" He paced back and forth restlessly if not particularly precisely. "We'll try the short version, then. First I hated her and tried to kill her. Then I fell in love with her, and she still hated me. Then she died, and we'll skip over that horrible summer because she came back. I still loved her, and she now hated herself, so she used me to punish herself, and I let her because I wanted her. Then she realized what she was doing and broke it off, which pretty much broke me in the process. Then other things happened, which weren't about her but hurt her, and when I went to apologize to her things got out of hand and I..." Spike took a deep breath; the words weren't any easier to say with distance. "I tried to force myself on her, which I didn't actually succeed at but... So I went to get the soul. The parts after that aren't so interesting unless you want to hear about me being crazy or controlled by the First." He stopped walking and talking and looked over at Wesley, prepared to see disgust or worse.

[wesleysgirl.livejournal.com]

Wesley had stayed where he was as Spike paced and talked, determined not to chance interrupting him. When Spike had finished, Wesley met his gaze steadily. "I'm still here," he offered, not knowing what else to say. "You haven't driven me away."

[flaming-muse.livejournal.com]

"It's your flat," Spike pointed out. He felt tired and hopeless and not nearly drunk enough.

[wesleysgirl.livejournal.com]

"Is that what you thought my reaction would be? To tell you to leave?" Wesley stepped closer to Spike now, slowly, giving Spike the chance to back off if it was too much.

[flaming-muse.livejournal.com]

Spike half-shrugged. "Are you happier now or do you want all the sordid details?"

[wesleysgirl.livejournal.com]

Wesley didn't particularly care to hear them. "This isn't about me being happy," he said. "It's about you being able to believe that I can know what you've done and still love you."

[flaming-muse.livejournal.com]

"It's that easy for you, is it? Fine, then we're done." Spike turned on his heel and left the kitchen, wanting to talk about it less now that it was clear that Wesley didn't understand at all what it meant to him or about him. He stopped short as he entered the living room, though, swaying slightly on his feet as he was faced yet again by the empty space where the table had once stood. In his rather muddled mind, it was another reminder that regardless of his best intentions he couldn't be trusted to keep control of himself.

[wesleysgirl.livejournal.com]

Wesley went after him, at that point convinced that Spike pushing him away would at least prove to the vampire that they really were on equal footing. Or perhaps not, he thought, as Spike swayed slightly. "Of course it's not easy," he said to Spike's back.

[flaming-muse.livejournal.com]

Hearing that his actions weren't easy to accept didn't make Spike feel any better. He closed his eyes for a moment and shook his head. "I did what you asked," he said, his voice low and weary. "What do you want now?"

[wesleysgirl.livejournal.com]

Stepping still closer until the space between their bodies was inches at most, Wesley sighed. "I don't know," he admitted.

[flaming-muse.livejournal.com]

Spike's shoulders sagged, and he walked a bit further into the room, needing to keep some distance between them. He wanted to turn the conversation to some other topic, but he couldn't come up with anything to say. At another time, that thought might have amused him.

[wesleysgirl.livejournal.com]

"I'm sorry," Wesley said, meaning it. "I thought -- I still think that asking you to tell me was the right thing to do. But I'm sorry it's so difficult."

[flaming-muse.livejournal.com]

"Doesn't matter." Spike rubbed his hand over his face but still didn't look at Wesley. "You asked. I told you. It's done."

[wesleysgirl.livejournal.com]

"It matters to me because you're upset," Wesley said.

[flaming-muse.livejournal.com]

Spike turned to Wesley in disbelief. "I'm upset because I don't want to talk about it and you keep bloody pushing me. What do you want?"

[wesleysgirl.livejournal.com]

It wasn't, Wesley told himself firmly, as if this was the first time he'd tried to do what he thought was the right thing and found it to be difficult. "I want you to be able to trust that I'm capable of accepting you. All of you. Because I am."

[flaming-muse.livejournal.com]

Continues here (http://www.livejournal.com/community/reality_bends/24989.html).