Some conversations are just really difficult

[wesleysgirl.livejournal.com]

Continued from here.

Wesley looked at Spike and smiled slightly. "Were there other things you wanted to know? I suppose this would be the time to ask."

Comments

[wesleysgirl.livejournal.com]

That hurt more than Wesley could have possibly imagined -- not that it was difficult for Spike to talk about whatever it was, he'd known that, but the insinuation that Buffy would have come first. That she did come first, even though she wasn't here and Spike had said that he wouldn't go to her.

It felt, he thought rather vaguely, like being shot in the gut.

"No, of course not," he managed to say after what seemed like an eternity.

[flaming-muse.livejournal.com]

"I'm sorry," Spike said, his brow furrowed at he stared at a smudge of dirt on the kitchen floor. "I know this is important to you, but I... I could boast for a month straight about all of my supposed virtues, but I'm used to other people being the ones talking about my failings, small and large." He glanced up with a very small but wry grin forming on his lips and was surprised to find Wesley looking hurt. "Oh, bugger it, what did I say?"

[wesleysgirl.livejournal.com]

"What? No, nothing," Wesley lied. "I shouldn't have pushed you. I apologize."

[flaming-muse.livejournal.com]

Spike took a step toward Wesley, his eyes narrowing. "Oh, no. I know you better than that, Wes. What do you think I said that I didn't say that's making you go all English again? You'll remember I graced those green and pleasant lands long before you did. I recognize the signs."

[wesleysgirl.livejournal.com]

"You're more than entitled to feel that Buffy's a better confessor than I would be, under any circumstances," Wesley said, backing up half a step so as to keep the distance between them acceptable.

[flaming-muse.livejournal.com]

"A better..." Frowning, Spike trailed off, trying to understand. He did, however, take another step forward and grabbed Wesley's arm gently but firmly so that he couldn't get any further away. "Look, I don't know what you heard, but what I said was that I couldn't talk about what happened with Buffy with Buffy, and she was there and knew everything. It's not about her being a better confessor; it's about me not having the bloody words to talk about how it feels to have done something that's so against everything I thought I was I can't forgive myself for doing it even though supposedly I'm not the same me who did it." He knew that that made little sense, but he hoped that Wesley, who was both sober and far brighter, might be able to muddle through at least some of it.

[wesleysgirl.livejournal.com]

"Wait... you what?" Wesley was so intrigued by the mystery of what Spike had just said -- or tried to say -- that he stood quite still, not attempting to move away, as he puzzled it out. "Something happened between you and Buffy, before you got the soul."

[flaming-muse.livejournal.com]

"Yes, and very little of it was good," Spike said.