Some conversations are just really difficult

[wesleysgirl.livejournal.com]

Continued from here.

Wesley looked at Spike and smiled slightly. "Were there other things you wanted to know? I suppose this would be the time to ask."

Comments

[wesleysgirl.livejournal.com]

They seemed to be back to a place they'd already been. "Tell me what happened," Wesley said gently.

[flaming-muse.livejournal.com]

Spike let go of Wesley and pushed a hand through his own hair. "God, where do you want me to begin?" He paced back and forth restlessly if not particularly precisely. "We'll try the short version, then. First I hated her and tried to kill her. Then I fell in love with her, and she still hated me. Then she died, and we'll skip over that horrible summer because she came back. I still loved her, and she now hated herself, so she used me to punish herself, and I let her because I wanted her. Then she realized what she was doing and broke it off, which pretty much broke me in the process. Then other things happened, which weren't about her but hurt her, and when I went to apologize to her things got out of hand and I..." Spike took a deep breath; the words weren't any easier to say with distance. "I tried to force myself on her, which I didn't actually succeed at but... So I went to get the soul. The parts after that aren't so interesting unless you want to hear about me being crazy or controlled by the First." He stopped walking and talking and looked over at Wesley, prepared to see disgust or worse.

[wesleysgirl.livejournal.com]

Wesley had stayed where he was as Spike paced and talked, determined not to chance interrupting him. When Spike had finished, Wesley met his gaze steadily. "I'm still here," he offered, not knowing what else to say. "You haven't driven me away."

[flaming-muse.livejournal.com]

"It's your flat," Spike pointed out. He felt tired and hopeless and not nearly drunk enough.

[wesleysgirl.livejournal.com]

"Is that what you thought my reaction would be? To tell you to leave?" Wesley stepped closer to Spike now, slowly, giving Spike the chance to back off if it was too much.

[flaming-muse.livejournal.com]

Spike half-shrugged. "Are you happier now or do you want all the sordid details?"

[wesleysgirl.livejournal.com]

Wesley didn't particularly care to hear them. "This isn't about me being happy," he said. "It's about you being able to believe that I can know what you've done and still love you."

[flaming-muse.livejournal.com]

"It's that easy for you, is it? Fine, then we're done." Spike turned on his heel and left the kitchen, wanting to talk about it less now that it was clear that Wesley didn't understand at all what it meant to him or about him. He stopped short as he entered the living room, though, swaying slightly on his feet as he was faced yet again by the empty space where the table had once stood. In his rather muddled mind, it was another reminder that regardless of his best intentions he couldn't be trusted to keep control of himself.

[wesleysgirl.livejournal.com]

Wesley went after him, at that point convinced that Spike pushing him away would at least prove to the vampire that they really were on equal footing. Or perhaps not, he thought, as Spike swayed slightly. "Of course it's not easy," he said to Spike's back.