Finally facing the day. Sort of.

[flaming-muse.livejournal.com]

Continued from here.

"She's got past the point where all she wants to do is play card games, watch the telly, and paint my nails," Spike said. "She'll be looking for adult conversation, too." He was struck a bit too late by the thought that Wesley didn't want to spend time with her, since he'd had such a negative reaction to the thought of going to see them. His mental picture of contentedly listening to the two of them talk about obscure texts and other topics far above his head began to fade, and he said, "Well, that's a long way off. She's probably too busy for a holiday, anyway."

Comments

[wesleysgirl.livejournal.com]

Spike had clearly remembered that Dawn didn't like Wesley. "I'm sure she'll want to come see you," he said reassuringly. "I could go away for a weekend, maybe. Give the two of you some time alone?"

[flaming-muse.livejournal.com]

Whatever doubts Spike still had about his conclusion were wiped away. "You shouldn't be chased out of your own home," he said firmly. "And I doubt she really wants to be friends again, anyway, so..." He shrugged.

[wesleysgirl.livejournal.com]

"Love..." Wesley kissed Spike slowly, unable to understand what had brought about this sudden change in attitude. "She contacted you. She obviously cares about you, and I know you care for her. I don't... I won't stand in the way of that. I don't mind going, if it will make things easier for the two of you. The last thing she'd want would be my physical presence, considering how she feels about me."

[flaming-muse.livejournal.com]

"I doubt she feels much of anything about you, since it's been years since she's seen you." Hoping for a clue as to people's current feelings, Spike tried to remember the reaction to Willow's trip to L.A., but they had all been so caught up in the First that there hadn't been time to discuss more than the basics. Besides, he hadn't paid much attention beyond the disappointing fact that Angel wasn't dusted and the more interesting development of Faith joining them. "Look, if she were here, I'd want her to get to know you. Us. If you don't want to be around her, she's not coming." He left aside the whole issue of if she would even want to.

[wesleysgirl.livejournal.com]

"It's not that," Wesley protested. "I was..." He realized that what he was about to say was going to sound foolish. "I was anticipating that she wouldn't want to be around me. Which, I suppose, is something we should let her decide."

[flaming-muse.livejournal.com]

Spike was torn between being relieved that Wesley wasn't refusing to see her and frustrated that he was so sure of her thinking badly of him. "I know it'd take you both some time to get comfortable with each other, but if she doesn't want to see you she's not welcome," he said, holding Wesley's gaze. "Honestly, pet, I don't see her saying that. Especially not after she knows how I feel about you."

[wesleysgirl.livejournal.com]

"You'd... you'd be willing to tell her?" Wesley asked, looking up into Spike's eyes.

[flaming-muse.livejournal.com]

"Why wouldn't I?" Spike was surprised that it was even a question. "I'll have to find some way to tell Buffy first, but I'm not going to hide it."

[wesleysgirl.livejournal.com]

The thought of it twisted Wesley up inside -- what Buffy would think, what she might say. What if Buffy made a play to get Spike back? "How do you think she'll react?" he asked hollowly, feeling ill and far away.

[flaming-muse.livejournal.com]

"I don't know," Spike said, considering the question for a moment. "She's used to having me at her beck and call, and I'd wager she thinks I'll take her offer. She won't understand why I'm not." There was a dull ache in his chest at the thought of hurting her, but he didn't know how to avoid it.

[wesleysgirl.livejournal.com]

"Especially when she hears who you're with," Wesley said. He wanted to get up and move somewhere away from Spike, somewhere he could let everything overwhelm him, but he stayed where he was.

[flaming-muse.livejournal.com]

Spike gave a short, dry laugh. "That, too. There's a lot she doesn't know about me. That'll be a fun conversation." He wasn't blind to Wesley's discomfort, though, and rubbed his hand soothingly over his back. "I think who I'm with will be the least of her worries, love."

[wesleysgirl.livejournal.com]

For the first half hour, at least, since after which you'll probably be with her again. Wesley closed his eyes and managed to say, "Maybe that's the sort of conversation you ought to have in person."

[flaming-muse.livejournal.com]

"You're probably right," Spike said with a sigh. "And she deserves better than to hear it from her sister. Or Angel. God, wouldn't that be bloody perfect."

[wesleysgirl.livejournal.com]

Wesley imagined, amidst the dull ache that was taking up residence just behind his eyes, that he could feel Spike slipping away from him. What was worse, the vampire seemed totally unaware. "You should go then. Probably best to get it over with as soon as possible." He sat up, moving to the side of the bed and rising to his feet.

[flaming-muse.livejournal.com]

"Right," Spike said slowly, rolling to his back and propping himself up on his elbows. "Then it'll all be in the open." He frowned at Wesley's back, replaying the conversation in his head and trying to figure out what was making Wesley unhappy. His voice was quiet but firm as he said, "I'm not going to hide you, if that's what you want. I'm not doing that again."

[wesleysgirl.livejournal.com]

"No. I know." Wesley wished it was after sunset so that he could send Spike out on an errand, real or fabricated, just so he could have a few moments along in which to quietly -- or possibly not so quietly -- fall apart.

At least the prospect of dealing with Gunn and the others seemed inconsequential compared to the thought of losing Spike.

[flaming-muse.livejournal.com]

"Is that what you want?" Spike asked after another painful pause. "Do you want me not to tell them?" It was a horrible thought, but he could understand why Wesley wouldn't want to be openly tied to him. To hint at his feelings in front of Angel was an act of rebellion against someone who had hurt him, but to be honest to the rest of the world was something quite different.

[wesleysgirl.livejournal.com]

"No, of course it's not what I want," Wesley said, because he might as well be honest. "I'm just not sure I see the point, if..." He shook his head.

[flaming-muse.livejournal.com]

There were hundreds of ways to finish that sentence, and Spike knew by now he wasn't the best judge of what was going on in Wesley's head. "If what?"

[wesleysgirl.livejournal.com]

Regardless of honesty, Wesley didn't think he could answer that. "I can phone the airlines and get you on a flight as soon as possible. The security won't be easy to get around, but we'll sort something out." He didn't think he'd get away with taking a shower as an excuse to be alone, so he moved to find some clothes.

[flaming-muse.livejournal.com]

"Right. That's it." Spike climbed out of bed and turned Wesley around to face him, holding him by his upper arms firmly enough that he would have had to make more than a token effort to move away. "Why do I think you're not this keen on sending me away because you're looking forward to the great sex we'll have when I get back?"

[wesleysgirl.livejournal.com]

"Because I don't want you to go," Wesley said softly, not attempting to escape Spike's grip at all. "It will be easier if you do it now."

[flaming-muse.livejournal.com]

His concerns lessening slightly, Spike relaxed his hands but didn't let Wesley go. "I don't have to go if it's a problem, love. If you want me to stay, I will."

[wesleysgirl.livejournal.com]

Wesley swallowed and shook his head. "No, you shouldn't tell her something like this over the phone. I'd imagine she'll be very upset, and..." He had to work to keep his voice from breaking. "It's better this way."

[flaming-muse.livejournal.com]

"You're more important to me than she is," Spike said. It was something of a shock to say aloud, since for so long he had worshipped at her feet, but it was true. "I doubt she'll be that upset, but you being happy matters more to me than how she hears it."

[wesleysgirl.livejournal.com]

Every little thing Spike said, positive or negative, was chipping away at what was left of Wesley's self-control. "Spike, please..." He wanted to crawl back into bed and hide, but he wouldn't allow himself to pull away.

[flaming-muse.livejournal.com]

Wesley was looking more distressed with everything Spike said, and Spike had no idea what to do about it. "Sorry," he said, but he didn't know why he was apologizing other than for upsetting him. He smoothed his hands down Wesley's arms and let him go, not sure what else he could do.

[wesleysgirl.livejournal.com]

As soon as Spike had released him, Wesley wished he hadn't. Spike would go away to see Buffy, and that would be the last Wesley ever saw of him. He knew it with a certainty he could feel in his bones. "Just go," he said harshly, because the alternative would allow Spike to hear just how close he was to tears. "If you're going to go, just..."

[flaming-muse.livejournal.com]

Completely at a loss, Spike tried to keep the concerned frustration out of his voice as he said, "What part of 'I won't go if you don't want me to' do you not understand?"

[wesleysgirl.livejournal.com]

Wesley honestly had no idea what he was doing -- if he was trying to drive Spike away before they got any closer and he really wouldn't be able to survive the loss. "You want to go," he said, voice wavering now. "And it's the right thing to do. I'm not going to ask you not to."

[flaming-muse.livejournal.com]

"If I go, it won't be today or even this week. When things are settled a bit and we've got one of those plans you're so fond of, then I'd think about going for a visit. Just a short one; I don't want to be gone long, either," Spike said, watching Wesley's face closely. "But if it's going to upset you, love, there's no reason I can't just talk to them on the phone. That's got its good points. It'd save me the threat of getting punched, for one." He gave a small but encouraging smile, though he didn't expect Wesley to return it.

[wesleysgirl.livejournal.com]

"I..." Wesley closed his eyes. Opened them. He wanted to touch Spike, but he was so conflicted that he wasn't certain it was a good idea. "You won't come back," he said.

[flaming-muse.livejournal.com]

"That's what you're worried about?" Spike was rather surprised by the thought. He'd assumed that Wesley didn't want to be alone to deal with everything that was going on, not that he was concerned about him returning. "Of course I'll come back," he said gently. "You're here."

[wesleysgirl.livejournal.com]

"You won't," Wesley said stubbornly, aware that he sounded as if he were six years old. "You'll see Buffy, and realize what a terrible mistake you've made, and you won't come back."

[flaming-muse.livejournal.com]

Spike had to smile, despite the seriousness of the situation, and he set his hands on Wesley's shoulders as a weight lifted off of his own. "You're forgetting I decided not to go to her even before we got involved, love. We had a long talk on the phone, and she knows that. Yeah, it'd be easier to see her now that I've got you, but I'd already decided not to rush to her side."

[wesleysgirl.livejournal.com]

That really didn't make Wesley feel any better. "Maybe that's why you didn't want to go," he said. "Because you know that once you see her, you won't be able to say no."

[flaming-muse.livejournal.com]

"That was part of why I didn't want to go," Spike admitted, gently sliding his palms over Wesley's shoulders. "She doesn't really love me, but before you I would've settled for what she could give and made us both miserable. Now there's no chance of it. I want you. I love you, and I wouldn't give you up for the world."

[wesleysgirl.livejournal.com]

"Please," Wesley said, lifting his eyes and meeting Spike's, "don't say things like that unless you mean them."

[flaming-muse.livejournal.com]

"I wouldn't," Spike said, looking gravely into Wesley's eyes. "I do mean it."

[wesleysgirl.livejournal.com]

Wesley's throat felt tight. "Why? I can't... I don't..."

[flaming-muse.livejournal.com]

"I love you." Spike spoke the words distinctly and wondered if Wesley would ever truly understand what he meant by them. "I know who you are, and I'm in love with you. With your warm heart and your brilliant mind and even your inability to believe all the good things I see in you. That's why I'd come back."

[wesleysgirl.livejournal.com]

Trembling, Wesley drew a hitching breath and ducked his head, so close to breaking down that all he could do was hope that Spike wouldn't say anything else wonderful and push him over the edge.

[flaming-muse.livejournal.com]

"I love you," Spike repeated, hoping that the words would get through to Wesley. "You."

[wesleysgirl.livejournal.com]

Continues here (http://www.livejournal.com/community/reality_bends/57425.html).