Still snuggling. Awwwwwwww.

[wesleysgirl.livejournal.com]

Continued from here.

The potential strength of that admission nearly took Wesley's breath away. Of course, Spike probably hadn't meant it quite the way it had sounded, but...

"You could have both," he offered impulsively. Then, concerned that Spike might get the wrong idea, he clarified, "That is... at some point, we might...?"

Comments

[flaming-muse.livejournal.com]

"Might what? Have an afternoon snack in bed?" Spike said, aware of the slight increase in Wesley's heart rate but oblivious to the reasons behind it. "When we move the refrigerator in here, I could have it and hold you, too, but right now I don't want you to leave." He nuzzled Wesley's hair again. "That all right with you?"

[wesleysgirl.livejournal.com]

"I don't want either of us to move just now," Wesley agreed, then took a careful breath. "But that's not what I meant. Or rather, it is. I... at some point, I'd like it if you'd..." Again, words failed him.

[flaming-muse.livejournal.com]

Growing still, Spike tried to come up with some way to interpret Wesley's words other than what seemed to be the obvious and unthinkable conclusion. "If I what?" he asked very calmly.

[wesleysgirl.livejournal.com]

Wesley swallowed, more than a bit afraid in that moment of Spike's reaction. "Fed. From me."

[flaming-muse.livejournal.com]

Spike had two choices in front of him: to remain as calm as inhumanly possible or to storm around the room, shouting and smashing things. Although senseless destruction was a very tempting thought, he decided that the first option was the better, since he could always switch to the second when it became necessary. For now, keeping a firm rein on his temper would help him to figure out when exactly Wesley had lost his mind. "Why would you want me to do that, pet?" His voice was neutral, almost entirely devoid of emotion.

[wesleysgirl.livejournal.com]

Trying to be fair, Wesley attempted to list some of the reasons. "Because... because I want to know what it feels like." Of course, he'd fed Angel the year before, but that had been different -- he'd cut himself. There hadn't been active participation on the vampire's part. "Because I trust you. And... because I suspect we'd both enjoy it."

[flaming-muse.livejournal.com]

In another conversation, Spike would likely have been touched that Wesley trusted him so deeply, but as it was he was too wrapped up in trying to contain his strong aversion to the idea to experience any pleasure. "You want to know what it feels like to be bitten by a vampire? It bloody well hurts, that's what it feels like."

[wesleysgirl.livejournal.com]

"Lots of things are painful," Wesley pointed out. "And if I wanted to know what it felt like to be bitten by a vampire, I could easily have found out before now. I want to know what it feels like when you do it." He stroked Spike's chest soothingly with one hand.

[flaming-muse.livejournal.com]

Spike doubted greatly that it was his bite that Wesley wanted to experience, but even if it had been it wouldn't have changed his reaction. Even when he was involved with Buffy before his soul, he had never tried to bite her; he wanted a relationship, not to be a source of pain, and that was even more true now. "You're not food," he said shortly.

[wesleysgirl.livejournal.com]

Wesley wasn't sure how he felt about the refusal, but he nodded slowly. "All right."

[flaming-muse.livejournal.com]

Wesley's acquiescence didn't make Spike feel any happier, though; he knew that the subject wouldn't be forgotten by either of them. Instead his stomach clenched and his chest ached as even more doubts about why Wesley wanted him surfaced. He had assumed that Wesley cared for him despite the fact that he was a vampire, but perhaps his interest was because of it. Wanting to be bitten was unlikely to have been a recent development if Wesley was willing to bring it up, which meant that it couldn't be specific to Spike. He could understand a Watcher having a fixation with vampires, though that would have been bad enough, but Spike was convinced that there was one particular vampire that was the focus of Wesley's desires. It sure as hell wasn't him.

"I'd do almost anything for you, but I'm not going to hurt you," he said finally.

[wesleysgirl.livejournal.com]

"It's not just about me," Wesley tried to explain. "I thought you'd..." He shrugged slightly --there might not be any point to convincing Spike that he'd thought the vampire would want to, as one would imagine that would be obvious. That maybe it would make him special, somehow, to Spike. That it would create some sort of bond between them.

His own personal reasons probably went deeper, and he wasn't sure he wanted to examine them that closely.

[flaming-muse.livejournal.com]

Staring at the ceiling, Spike tried to imagine what it would be like to feel Wesley's flesh part beneath his fangs, to have Wesley clinging to him as he willingly gave up his sweet, strong blood. The scenario was definitely not unappealing, but that wasn't what Spike wanted their relationship to be. He might be a vampire, but he loved like a man. "You're not food," he repeated, this time more gently. "You're you."

[wesleysgirl.livejournal.com]

It seemed absurd to argue that letting Spike feed from him wouldn't make him food, so Wesley just nodded and pressed his lips to Spike's shoulder. "It's up to you, obviously. I understand." He didn't, but that wasn't really important.

[flaming-muse.livejournal.com]

Spike could hear the disappointment in Wesley's voice, and he was sorely tempted to agree to give him whatever he wanted. Feeding from him wouldn't be a physical hardship, though it went against what Spike thought was right. Perhaps if Spike had cared less about him he would have been more willing, but Wesley was important enough to him that Spike wanted to treat him as well as he possibly could. He wanted Wesley to be happy, but he wasn't sure that he could stand making him happy by hurting him. If Wesley being unhappy was the other option, though...

"Why is it important to you?" he asked, his heart heavy.

[wesleysgirl.livejournal.com]

Wesley traced Spike's collarbone with a fingertip. "Because it's you," he said after a moment. "And I thought it might convince you of my feelings for you, I suppose."

[flaming-muse.livejournal.com]

Spike considered those statements in silence before saying, "Would you be more convinced about mine if I did?"

[wesleysgirl.livejournal.com]

There was another silence, then Wesley said, "Only if you wanted to do it. I didn't realize... it didn't occur to me that you might not care to."

[flaming-muse.livejournal.com]

Spike shifted so that he could see more of Wesley's face. "I don't want to hurt you, pet. It would never have crossed my mind."

[wesleysgirl.livejournal.com]

Moving back slightly so that he could meet Spike's gaze, Wesley reached out to touch the scarred eyebrow again. There was something about it that intrigued him. "You seem rather caught up in the idea of it being painful. I'd imagine I've had much worse, not to mention that there are reportedly pleasant... side effects."

[flaming-muse.livejournal.com]

Spike remembered well hours spent in play with Drusilla, the sharp slice of her fangs puncturing his skin, and the heady rush of her blood in his mouth, but those had been games between vampires. "Maybe, but I've never bitten humans for their pleasure."

[wesleysgirl.livejournal.com]

"But you know that there are humans who enjoy it."

[flaming-muse.livejournal.com]

"Yeah. I've seen them." The distasteful image of Riley getting his blood sucked swam to the forefront of Spike's mind.

[wesleysgirl.livejournal.com]

Something about Spike's tone of voice, carefully neutral as it seemed to be, made Wesley pull back slightly. "I'm sorry," he said. "We don't... it's completely your decision. I'm not trying to convince you."

[flaming-muse.livejournal.com]

Spike sighed quietly, feeling trapped on all sides by unpleasant options. "Look, pet, it's not... If this is something you want, if it means something to you, I want to talk about it. I want to give you what you want."

[wesleysgirl.livejournal.com]

Wesley lay a tentative hand on Spike's chest. "But you don't think it's the right thing to do."

[flaming-muse.livejournal.com]

"It's just... I never forget I'm a vampire, but the fangs and blood lust aren't what come out when I'm with you." Spike shrugged. "But they can, if that's what you want."

[wesleysgirl.livejournal.com]

"Is it because you're holding back?" Wesley asked, becoming more clinically curious and less emotionally involved as he turned what Spike had just said over in his mind.

[flaming-muse.livejournal.com]

"No. It's because I'm showing you my heart, and it's stronger than my other urges," Spike said.

[wesleysgirl.livejournal.com]

Moving his hand so that it rested over where Spike's heart was, Wesley smiled gently. "You truly are remarkable," he said.

[flaming-muse.livejournal.com]

"I'm not," Spike said, but he felt the sick feeling in his stomach lessen just a bit. He placed his hand over Wesley's to keep it there.

[wesleysgirl.livejournal.com]

"Of course you are," Wesley said, frowning. "Why on earth don't you think so?"

[flaming-muse.livejournal.com]

"Right. Remarkable. Of course I am," Spike said more confidently, somewhat alarmed by what he had just admitted about himself.

[wesleysgirl.livejournal.com]

"You are," Wesley affirmed, leaning in to kiss Spike. "Don't forget it."

[flaming-muse.livejournal.com]

"How could I?" Spike entwined his fingers with Wesley's on his chest. "But I'd rather be focused on you."

[wesleysgirl.livejournal.com]

"I can't say I dislike it when you're focused on me," Wesley said, not failing to notice that they'd side-stepped the earlier conversation and moved on to a less-confrontational topic.

[flaming-muse.livejournal.com]

There was another of Wesley's annoyingly vague double negatives. "Good, because I'm not going to stop," Spike said. He paused for a moment, considering whether he wanted to let them drift away entirely from the topic of biting or whether they should try to come to some sort of conclusion so that it wouldn't eat away at them both. He took a shallow breath and said, "We didn't decide anything, you know."

[wesleysgirl.livejournal.com]

Wesley blinked. "No, you're right. We didn't."

[flaming-muse.livejournal.com]

Looking down at their entwined hands, Spike said what he should have known all along he would say, regardless of his own feelings. "Tell me what you want, pet, and I'll try to give it to you."

[wesleysgirl.livejournal.com]

"I certainly don't want you to do something just because I want you to. Not if it will be... " Wesley didn't know which word to use. He sighed. "Not if you don't want to. It was just a thought."

[flaming-muse.livejournal.com]

Spike traced the veins on the back of Wesley's hand. "I can't say there isn't a part of me that likes the idea." It was the same part of him that wanted to leave marks on Wesley's skin and delighted in Wesley leaving the flat with Spike's scent still on him. It was the same part of him that raged at the thought that Wesley's desire was really for Angel and not for him but urged him to take what was offered anyway. "To know you'd let me. To know you'd trust me that much."

[wesleysgirl.livejournal.com]

"Then tell me why you don't want to," Wesley said impulsively, propping himself up on his arm and looking at Spike. "Is it just because you want to prove that you're stronger than your urges? Or is there more to it than that?"

[flaming-muse.livejournal.com]

Spike gave the best answer he could, though it was far from complete. "Because that's not how I want to treat you."

[wesleysgirl.livejournal.com]

"Even if I consent to it?" Wesley could tell that there was something he was missing here, but he couldn't quite puzzle out what it was.

[flaming-muse.livejournal.com]

Continues here (http://www.livejournal.com/community/reality_bends/20352.html).