Big decisions

[flaming-muse.livejournal.com]

Continued from here.

"I promised you I wouldn't leave unless you wanted me to," Spike said, coming to stand in front of Wesley and touching his arm with the gentlest of caresses. He wanted to pull him into a tight hug until the pain evident in his every breath was gone, but he was too unsure of the situation to offer. "If you want me to stay, I will. I want to. All right, love?" He could be careful with everything he did so that he didn't ever cross that line again, but he couldn't knowingly break Wesley's heart.

Comments

[wesleysgirl.livejournal.com]

"Hurting each other," Wesley said, squeezing Spike's arm. "I just... reacted. It didn't even occur to me to think how you'd take it. I'm sorry. Genuinely." He could see now that, although he still believed that there were things Spike would want that he wouldn't be able to provide, he ought to have predicted Spike's reaction to what he'd said.

[flaming-muse.livejournal.com]

"It's all right. I needed to know. You needed to tell me." Spike was grateful for what had happened, because at least he hadn't ruined things completely between them. "I'm sorry for everything, love. I didn't mean to get so out of control."

[wesleysgirl.livejournal.com]

"You weren't. I love you like that." Wesley knew that he was very nearly contradicting himself, but he also felt that both things were true. "I just don't want to disappoint you."

[flaming-muse.livejournal.com]

"You never do," Spike said with a faint smile, stroking his thumb over the back of Wesley's hand. He knew that he would have to get Wesley to tell him exactly what was acceptable and what wasn't, since he obviously couldn't figure the difference out for himself, but he could wait until they were a little calmer. He felt shaken to his core, but at least Wesley still wanted him there. He clung to that fact to combat the sense of despair welling up deep inside of him at his basic inability to be anything other than the demon he was.

[wesleysgirl.livejournal.com]

Trying to think of what he might say that could help, Wesley was struck by a sudden thought. "Can I tell you something?" he asked. "Something that you might not otherwise want to hear?"

[flaming-muse.livejournal.com]

"Go ahead." Spike dropped his gaze, trying to steel himself for the worst but not finding enough strength to do so.

[wesleysgirl.livejournal.com]

"I know you must be aware that we deliberately brought Angelus back last year..." Wesley trailed off, wishing that they were more comfortable.

[flaming-muse.livejournal.com]

Spike couldn't think of any possible reason Wesley would bring that subject up. "Right. Willow went to stick his soul back in."

[wesleysgirl.livejournal.com]

"But I don't know if you were aware that a few years ago, just after Angel came to L.A., there was an... incident. A woman slipped him a drug that convinced him his soul was gone." Wesley remembered that night very vividly. "He tried to kill us."

[flaming-muse.livejournal.com]

"Sounds like him." It was surreal having this conversation in the aftermath of what had just happened, but if it was what Wesley wanted to talk about, Spike would listen.