Big decisions

[flaming-muse.livejournal.com]

Continued from here.

"I promised you I wouldn't leave unless you wanted me to," Spike said, coming to stand in front of Wesley and touching his arm with the gentlest of caresses. He wanted to pull him into a tight hug until the pain evident in his every breath was gone, but he was too unsure of the situation to offer. "If you want me to stay, I will. I want to. All right, love?" He could be careful with everything he did so that he didn't ever cross that line again, but he couldn't knowingly break Wesley's heart.

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[wesleysgirl.livejournal.com]

Wesley forced himself to start moving again, going over to the bed and sitting down on the edge of it. "I'm sorry," he said, wishing he could think of something else to say, or something he could do to express how much he wished he could give Spike more.

[flaming-muse.livejournal.com]

"Please don't apologize," Spike said, sinking down onto the edge of the bed a foot or so away from Wesley. He stared at the floor and took a deep breath, trying to pull himself together now that the first burst of horror of the crisis had passed. "You didn't do anything wrong."

[wesleysgirl.livejournal.com]

"Of course I did." Wesley reached out a hand and lay it on Spike's forearm, feeling the tension in the muscles there. "The last thing I want," he said softly, tears still threatening, "is for you to be unhappy. For you to want something and not have it. You're more important than anything else in my life. The thought that I might not be able to give you what you need..."

[flaming-muse.livejournal.com]

Spike closed his eyes for a brief moment when Wesley touched him, grateful for the gesture. "Why don't you believe me when I say there's nothing I want you haven't given me?" he asked, turning his head to look sadly into Wesley's eyes. "What can I do to prove it to you?"

[wesleysgirl.livejournal.com]

Caught in that gaze as he had been so many times before, Wesley wondered why there suddenly didn't seem to be enough oxygen in the air. He deliberately slowed and deepened his breathing. "I don't know," he said helplessly.

[flaming-muse.livejournal.com]

"I don't want you to act like a vampire," Spike said again. "I don't want you to be anything you aren't. What I want..." He took a shaky breath, finding the words harder to say than they should be, especially since he had admitted before how he felt. "All I want is to know that you love me. It doesn't matter how you show it."

[wesleysgirl.livejournal.com]

"I do love you," Wesley said without hesitation. "And I'll do anything I can to show you. I'm just... I'm worried that it won't be enough."

[flaming-muse.livejournal.com]

Placing his hand over Wesley's on his arm, Spike said, "It is. I promise. You'll see."

[wesleysgirl.livejournal.com]

Wesley drew a long, shuddering breath. "We have to stop doing this," he said.

[flaming-muse.livejournal.com]

"What?" Spike asked, feeling a flash of panic run up his spine.