Detour, continued.

[wesleysgirl.livejournal.com]

Continued from here.

"I understand," Wesley said. "And I'm sorry it got to this point."

Comments

[flaming-muse.livejournal.com]

"Not your fault," Spike assured him, his thoughts turning inwards again. "I just... didn't want to keep hearing I wasn't enough."

[wesleysgirl.livejournal.com]

"I never said that."

[flaming-muse.livejournal.com]

Spike gave a half-shrug and picked up the bottle to refill his glass only to find it empty. He set it down with a frown and glanced beyond Wesley to the bar. It seemed to be about three miles away, but it was probably worth the walk.

[wesleysgirl.livejournal.com]

Wesley was beginning to suspect that little of this had anything to do with him -- that Spike had internalized the belief that he wasn't enough a long time ago. "Listen to me," he said seriously. "You are everything I could have asked for. There's no way in which you aren't enough. And I'm going to continue to repeat that until you believe me."

[flaming-muse.livejournal.com]

Spike shook his head. "You said, tonight, I wasn't enough. I gave you my love and my trust and it wasn't enough for you. I don't have anything else."

[wesleysgirl.livejournal.com]

"What I said was that it was important to me that you believe that you come first," Wesley said, struggling to recall exactly what words they'd both used at the time.

[flaming-muse.livejournal.com]

"And if I don't, it's not enough." Spike looked up at him, then away again. "I can't just... feel things you want me to feel, Wes."

[wesleysgirl.livejournal.com]

Wesley sighed raggedly. "I know. You're right, and I'm sorry."

[flaming-muse.livejournal.com]

"I want to give you what you want," Spike said, this time holding Wesley's gaze when he met it.

[wesleysgirl.livejournal.com]

"I want to give you what you want," Wesley said, a little bit ruefully. "We may not always be able to do that."

[flaming-muse.livejournal.com]

Spike curled his hand more tightly around Wesley's and asked, "Is that enough?"

[wesleysgirl.livejournal.com]

Wesley looked at him and brought his other hand over to stroke the back of Spike's gently. "It is. It has to be. I can't lie to you and say that I don't want more -- because I do. I want you to believe me when I say that you're my top priority. But maybe, as you said, that will come in time. Until then, all I know is that the thought of losing you terrifies me."

[flaming-muse.livejournal.com]

"It terrifies me, too. Losing you, I mean. Can't lose myself even when I try." Spike was fairly certain that that statement didn't make much sense outside of his head, either, but he wasn't up to trying to clarify. "I love you," he said instead.

[wesleysgirl.livejournal.com]

"We'll sort things out," Wesley said soothingly, relaxing a bit. "It's going to be fine. I love you, and I'm not letting you go without a fight."

[flaming-muse.livejournal.com]

"I've seen you fight. Glad you're on my side," Spike said with a smile. Looking at their glasses on the table, he had the sudden realization that Wesley hadn't come to the bar to find him but instead because he needed a drink of his own. "Are you all right, pet?"

[wesleysgirl.livejournal.com]

"If things between us are all right, then yes," Wesley said.

[flaming-muse.livejournal.com]

"You've drunk less, so you've got to tell me that," Spike said, squeezing Wesley's hand. "Are we all right? Really?"

[wesleysgirl.livejournal.com]

"I think we can be," Wesley said. "That is, if we can manage not to give up on each other in the meantime." The words struck him somewhere painful, and he tightened his own grip. "And if you remember any of this in the morning. Do you think you're capable of walking at all?"

[flaming-muse.livejournal.com]

"I've only had the one bottle," Spike said, mildly offended.

[wesleysgirl.livejournal.com]

"Oh, right," Wesley said, as if it had been silly of him to assume that Spike was quite drunk based on the fact that he'd only had one bottle. "Would you... will you come home with me?"

[flaming-muse.livejournal.com]

Home. The word made Spike smile. It might be Wesley's flat, it was becoming Spike's home anyway. "Yes, love, I'll come home with you."

[wesleysgirl.livejournal.com]

"And you're all right to walk?" Wesley slid a hand up Spike's side underneath his duster. "No violent encounters earlier in the evening?"

[flaming-muse.livejournal.com]

"Nothing worth mentioning," Spike said, leaning into Wesley's touch. "Staked a couple of vamps, but they were hardly worth the effort. Really could've used a good fight."

[wesleysgirl.livejournal.com]

"I'm sure," Wesley murmured. He wanted very badly to caress Spike further, to kiss him, but it wasn't the right place, and he wasn't convinced it was the right time either.

[flaming-muse.livejournal.com]

"They really were bloody awful," Spike said. "All growl and no bite. Couldn't even punch properly. Makes me ashamed of my own species. More ashamed."

[wesleysgirl.livejournal.com]

"Did you find anyone you knew?" Wesley asked.

[flaming-muse.livejournal.com]

"One bloke I'd met a couple of times before. Got some news about a mate of mine who's down in San Diego now. Other than that, it was a waste of a couple hours." Spike stared moodily at his empty glass.

[wesleysgirl.livejournal.com]

Wesley felt unusually willing to cater to whatever Spike wanted even if it was a bit self-destructive. After all, the vampire was certainly entitled to wallow, as long as Wesley was there to make sure nothing happened to him. "Would you prefer to stay here and have some more? I could get another bottle."

[flaming-muse.livejournal.com]

Spike was certainly tempted, but the thought of being alone with Wesley was more appealing. The distance between them and the noise of the bar was beginning to grate on his nerves. "No," he said. "Besides, if I drink another bottle you'll have to carry me out of here."

[wesleysgirl.livejournal.com]

"And while I'd do that if I had to, I think I'd prefer to save my back," Wesley said.

[flaming-muse.livejournal.com]

"Then let's go," Spike said, "unless you want something else."

[wesleysgirl.livejournal.com]

Wesley reached out and squeezed Spike's shoulder quickly. "Just you."

[flaming-muse.livejournal.com]

Spike smiled warmly at him. "Let's go home."

[wesleysgirl.livejournal.com]

As they started for the front door, Wesley asked, "How are your ribs?"

[flaming-muse.livejournal.com]

Spike turned his focus from walking on the slowly revolving floor and considered the question. "Not hurting me right now, but I think they were sore before I started drinking." He blinked. "Though I probably shouldn't've told you that."

[wesleysgirl.livejournal.com]

"There's still some blood back at the flat," Wesley said firmly, keeping a close eye on Spike, who seemed steady enough on his feet, although looks could be deceiving.

[flaming-muse.livejournal.com]

"I'll heal, pet. No need to worry." Spike pushed the door open and led the way outside.

[wesleysgirl.livejournal.com]

"I'll worry if I want to worry," Wesley said, a bit crossly. "I'm more than entitled to care about your state of well-being."

[flaming-muse.livejournal.com]

"Sorry." Spike gave him a small, tight smile. "I'm not used to that."

[wesleysgirl.livejournal.com]

"You'll need to get used to it." Wesley smiled as well. "Although if there are times I'm overstepping my bounds, I'll expect you to tell me."

[flaming-muse.livejournal.com]

"I'll probably tell you even when you aren't," Spike said ruefully.

[wesleysgirl.livejournal.com]

"There really should be some sort of handbook for this," Wesley said, slowing his pace a bit as he realized that he was walking rather quickly.

[flaming-muse.livejournal.com]

Spike snorted, stepping carefully around a lamp post that appeared in front of him. "I know I could use one."

[wesleysgirl.livejournal.com]

Wesley slowed down further still. "'How to Fumble Through a Relationship with a Psychologically Damaged Ex-Watcher?'" There was a bit more self-disgust in his voice than he'd expected to hear.

[flaming-muse.livejournal.com]

Continues here (http://www.livejournal.com/community/reality_bends/23980.html).