reality_bends | Talking, eating, yadda yadda yadda

There were too many things Wesley shouldn't say -- not just because of Spike, but because of himself as well. But there was at least one thing he could say. "My loyalty lies with you. You know that?"

Spike couldn't possibly believe Wesley, and on some level he would have preferred not even to hear that statement, even if Wesley believed it at that moment, since ultimately it wasn't true. He knew that he had to answer, though, and he didn't want to hurt Wesley by dismissing him entirely, so he finally said, "It's nice of you to say, pet."

Wesley felt his shoulders tighten. "You don't believe me."

Sighing, Spike glanced at Wesley's back and then looked away again. "I don't think you're lying to me," he said, feeling like he had no safe way out of the conversation.

"Of course not." Wesley stirred the food to keep it from sticking to the bottom of the pan. "So you think I'm fooling myself." Deep down he knew that that was at least partially true -- not that he'd side with Angel over Spike, but that it wasn't as simple as Spike coming first.

I wouldn't've said it quite like that, but..., Spike thought. "I think you were hurt by someone you care about, and I think you want things to be more black and white than they are. You can't just turn your feelings off like you're acting like you have, and at some point you're going to figure that out."

Part of that was a bit too much like something Lilah had said to him for Wesley to handle, but then, he knew what to do with things that fell into that category. He took a deep breath as subtly as possible and reached to turn off the heat under the pan, continuing to push the food around.

Spike could see that Wesley was tense, but he wasn't sure that he could do much about it. He was going to speak the truth as he saw it. "Am I being too perceptive for you again, or do you think I'm wrong?" he asked.

Wesley stared at the food for nearly a minute before answering. "I don't like that you don't trust me."

"I do trust you," Spike said, rising from his chair and going to place a gentle hand on Wesley's shoulder. "I do."

"You don't." Wesley tensed further at Spike's hand on his shoulder, but didn't pull away. "If you did, we wouldn't be having this conversation."

Spike sighed again, this time with more frustration, and tried to turn Wesley around to face him. Wesley reluctantly allowed himself to be moved, but he didn't meet Spike's eyes. "It's not about trusting you, Wes, because there's no question in my mind about that. It's about seeing how things really are, and, in case you haven't noticed, you haven't once said you think how I'm seeing the situation is wrong."

"Saying that you don't believe I'd be loyal to you is the same as not trusting me," Wesley said, rather miserably.

Spike managed through great force of will not to shake Wesley until he listened. "No, it isn't. And I'm not saying you wouldn't be loyal to me, just that you've got other loyalties, too."

"And you think Angel is my priority." Wesley was staring at the curve where Spike's neck met the collar of his t-shirt. "That I'd put him first."

Everyone else has. But Spike couldn't say that, couldn't let out that personal a hurt, even to Wesley. "Yes. I do." His voice was gentle, matter-of-fact.

"You're wrong," Wesley said harshly, pulling away despite Spike's attempt to stop him and stalking into the living room, needing the space to move.

Spike stared at the floor for a long moment before following Wesley and pausing just inside of the room. "If it helps, I don't want to be right," he said, watching Wesley pace.

"But there's no way I'm going to be able to convince you," Wesley said, stopping and looking at Spike. "Short of being put into a small room and told that I can save only one of you, and making the choice, nothing's going to be enough."

"When did I ask you to convince me?" Spike took a few steps forward, but he didn't try to get too close since he could see from the tension in Wesley's body that his temper was rising. "I trust you. I love you. That's enough for me." That it was enough was probably the biggest lie Spike would ever tell him, but he wanted it to be true.

"But you're never going to believe that you come first," Wesley said. Then, his voice trembling, he added, "And I don't think that's enough for me."

"I didn't say never," Spike said, his throat suddenly tight. He took a sharp breath to try to quell his rising anxiety at the thought that he had already bollixed everything up.

"But that's why you won't ask me to convince you," Wesley said challengingly. "Because it can't be done."

Spike could feel the hollowness growing in his chest, but he wouldn't look away. "Not overnight, no. I'm supposed to think that you, the most loyal person I've ever known, can just throw away however many years of history you have with him? Of course you bloody well can't."

Wesley swallowed heavily. "Then there's no point to any of this, is there? Not if in your mind it will always be some sort of contest, some... method of measuring your worth against Angel's." He suddenly wanted, very badly, to sit down. "Not if there's no way to make you believe that one has nothing to do with the other."

"This isn't a contest to me," Spike said firmly. "What's between us has nothing to do with him, but I can't forget you've got other ties besides your feelings for me." His hands were beginning to tremble, and he fought to keep them still. "I don't know which would be stronger if you had to choose."

The fact that Wesley wasn't sure either seemed less important than knowing that Spike doubted him. "Tell me what I can do to convince you. Tell me what you need me to say."

Feeling the weight of Wesley's unhappiness on his shoulders, Spike ached to be able to give him the answers he wanted, but it wasn't that simple. "Doesn't work like that," he said. "Why do I have to be convinced tonight?"

"You don't," Wesley said, after a moment's consideration. "But it might be nice to think that eventually you could be."

"I never said I wouldn't be. You're the one saying there's no point to this if I have doubts." It wasn't quite a fair charge, but Spike was feeling more shaken up than he would have liked to admit by the multiple references Wesley had made to ending what was between them so soon after it had begun.

"No, I said there's no point if you're always going to believe that our relationship is somehow tainted by the fact that you and Angel are rivals." Wesley said it more sharply than he would have liked.

Spike tensed further at Wesley's tone of voice and tried to remember where he had left his boots. He had to get out and kill something very soon and drink a large quantity of alcohol. Probably in that order. "I'm sure it'll be easier for me to forget your history with him when I don't have the cracked ribs as a reminder of how much he wants me away from you and how far he was willing to go to make that happen."

Wesley resisted the urge to clench his fists, and said coldly, "I'm more than willing to accept the blame for things that are my fault, but I won't accept it for things that Angel did."

"I'm not blaming you for anything, but I can't just ignore the fact that you've gone through a lot more with him than you have with me and he's going to keep pushing until..." Spike shook his head and started walking toward the bedroom, where he was fairly certain his boots were. "This little talk we're having isn't getting us anywhere. I can't say what you want, and you're not hearing me at all."

Unsure what was happening, Wesley followed as Spike went into the bedroom and picked up his boots from the floor where they'd been discarded... had it only been the night before? "You're leaving," he said flatly.

Spike sat on the edge of the bed. "Busy night. Demons to find, remember?" The movements of his hands were jerky as he pulled on his boots. "I can't keep going in these same bleeding circles. I've told you I don't doubt you believe what you're saying to me, and I've told you if you give me time and if I'm wrong about what'll happen I'll probably get over what's keeping me from believing it, too. I know it's not enough for you, but I don't know what else to say." He met Wesley's eyes as he got to his feet again.

Wesley looked at Spike for a long time, aware that a few hours apart might be best for both of them but still not wanting him to go. "Will you come back?"

"I'd planned on it. That all right?" Spike asked, watching Wesley's reaction carefully.

"Of course it is," Wesley said gently.

Spike let out the breath he had been holding. "Good. Glad to hear it."

Leaning against the door frame, Wesley rubbed his forehead and sighed. "Be careful?"

"I will. Might even borrow a stake this time, if you've got one to spare." Spike had learned his lesson the previous day about going out unprepared.

Wesley pointed wordlessly to the top of his bureau, where there were three stakes in plain sight.

"Ta." Spike grabbed one at random before heading toward the bathroom for his coat. He paused in front of Wesley. "I'll be back in a few hours. You won't get into too much trouble without me?" He managed a faint grin.

Continues here (http://www.livejournal.com/community/reality_bends/23153.html).

Talking, eating, yadda yadda yadda

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