reality_bends | Talking and cuddling in bed.

"If it upsets you, then there's a good reason," Wesley said gently.

"It doesn't..." Spike broke off his automatic denial and considered whether or not it was true. "I don't know what to say, pet," he said finally. "What I feel for you isn't because I'm a vampire, so I've never thought about letting that part of me control my actions with you."

"I don't want you to do anything you're not comfortable with," Wesley told him, since it was true enough.

Spike shook his head, still feeling pulled in different directions by Wesley's desires and his own expectations of their relationship. "It's not a question of comfort. I can do it, and I'm sure we'd both get off on it. But I didn't think the demon was what was attractive to you."

Concerned, Wesley turned his hand and caught Spike's fingers with his own. "You're what's attractive to me," he said emphatically. "It wouldn't matter if you were a vampire or not -- but the fact of the matter is, you are. And the last thing I want you thinking is that I reject something that's part of you."

"Thank you," Spike said softly, raising their entwined hands to his lips and brushing a kiss across Wesley's knuckles. He knew that the situation wasn't as simple as that, but Wesley's words were still comforting. "But most of my urges as a vampire aren't -" Good. Trustworthy. "- what you'd want. Seems better to ignore them and follow my heart instead." Not that my heart's got a great history of giving people what they want, either, he thought with growing unhappiness.

"I don't think that's emotionally healthy," Wesley said, even more concerned. "I'm not suggesting that you abandon what your heart tells you to do, but... there must be some way to reconcile the two. Vampiric instincts are extremely strong -- it doesn't seem possible you'd be able to ignore them for the long term."

Spike felt immediately defensive but bit back a reply about how Wesley of all people should understand what it was like to question one's instincts. "Fine. I'm not ignoring them. I'm making choices."

Wesley looked at Spike for a long moment, suspecting that he'd said the wrong thing and not knowing how to apologize for it. "All right," he said finally, because in the end it would always come back to this. "We'll do this however you need to. It's only an issue if we let it be, and if you're determined to walk the fine line that you see as the only reasonable choice, then I'm willing to support that." And to pick up the pieces if and when things fell apart.

If he could.

"What do you want me to do, Wesley?" Spike asked, struggling not to be hurt too deeply by Wesley's disapproval. He released Wesley's hand and pushed his fingers through his own hair. "I'm not a man, I'll never be a man, but I don't have to act like the demon I am. That's why I got the soul, so I could be different than I was. So I had something besides instincts."

Pulling his own hand back, Wesley wondered if they'd gone too far into this conversation to get out of it without hurting each other. "You are a man," he said quietly. "You're also a vampire, that's true, but it doesn't mean that's all you are. You know that."

"I do know I'm more than just a vampire. That's what I'm saying, pet." Spike sighed. "If I didn't care about you, it wouldn't matter so much. But I'm trying to get things right... which I'm obviously not, given how this conversation is going."

"It isn't..." Wesley stopped, frustrated. "It's not necessary for things to go smoothly all the time. It's normal for there to be conflict, and I certainly won't decide that this relationship isn't worth it just because sometimes things don't go 'right.'"

You don't know how badly I can make things go wrong, Spike thought, but he reached out to run his hand down Wesley's arm. "All right," he said.

After another long pause, Wesley admitted, very softly, "I wouldn't mind some reassurance that you feel the same way."

Spike looked up at Wesley, startled. "Of course I do," he said quickly, upset that he had been too focused on his conflict to notice what Wesley was feeling. "I'm sorry, pet. I thought you knew. Of course I feel the same way."

Wesley tried to explain, choosing his words carefully. "It wouldn't be atypical for someone to leave when something about me proved... too difficult to deal with."

"Yeah, I've got some experience with that, myself," Spike said. "But I can't see there being anything about you that's too difficult for me."

Wesley smiled, pleasantly surprised. "I suppose I get points for being relatively sane most of the time," he said, with a hint of teasing in his voice.

"Certainly doesn't count against you," Spike said, grinning. "And you're not using me to get over being dead, so that's also good."

"So as it turns out, this is actually an improvement on both of our typical relationships, is that what you're saying?" Wesley found himself grinning back at Spike in mild disbelief.

"Sounds like it, doesn't it?" Spike chuckled softly. "But that's part of the reason I want to be sure I'm not... following the wrong impulses."

"You have a lot of regrets," Wesley said. "You know that you aren't responsible for things you did when you didn't have your soul." It was almost a question.

"Of course I'm responsible. There's no 'Spikelus'," Spike said, rolling his eyes. "It's all me. Yeah, I didn't do it with the soul, but I still did it." He shrugged. "I'm not going to start brooding about it, but I can't forget it's in me."

Wesley sighed. "I'd like to say something helpful, but I'm not sure what that might be."

"You don't have to say anything," Spike said, trailing his fingers lazily over Wesley's shoulder. "I'm just trying to explain why I'm not as willing to let my - what did you call them? - 'vampiric instincts' take charge with you as you seem to be."

"It's fine," Wesley said, trying to be reassuring. "Honestly. However you want to handle this... it's all right with me." Now that he could see a possible end to the disagreement, he was starting to feel hopeful.

"It's not just about me, pet," Spike replied. "I know you said you're trying to accept all of me, but that can't be the only reason you offered to let me do something that goes against all your training and survival instincts. I'd like to know why you want it. Is it just curiosity?"

"Not just that, no," Wesley said. "But that's certainly part of it."

Spike tilted his head slightly and studied Wesley's eyes. "Then what? Will you tell me why you'd want me to bite you?" He wasn't sure that he'd like the answer or that Wesley would even give him the full one, but if it was his choice whether or not he was going to do it he had to understand what Wesley wanted.

"I'd like to see first-hand if some sort of... bond, for lack of a better word, is created. And yes, I'm curious to know what it feels like, in addition to painful," Wesley added, to forestall that argument.

"What kind of bond?" Spike asked. "And please don't tell me you suggested it because you think it'll make me less likely to leave; I'm staying anyway."

Well then, Wesley wouldn't mention that part. "It's... a connection," he said. "Not unlike a sexual relationship, but on a slightly different level."

Spike considered that for a moment, remembering his time with Dru and thinking about how he felt about the level of trust that Wesley would be showing him, was showing him for even offering. If it wasn't violent, if it was consensual, if it was because of love instead of hunger, even his soul could see its appeal. That thought rocked him deeply, though, going as it did against his desire to treat Wesley as something precious. "You Watchers have studied everything, haven't you?"

"As a group? Yes, probably." Wesley smiled thoughtfully as he looked at Spike. "But speaking personally, at the moment there's only one subject I'm interested in."

"The mating habits of Mongolian Ursar-Beasts? 'Cause I was reading about them this morning, and I've got to say all those tentacles turn me off." But Spike's heart wasn't really in the joke as his fingers stroked down Wesley's arm.

"Perhaps you could close your eyes?" Wesley suggested, his own palm smoothing over Spike's chest. "If you weren't disturbed by the sight of them, I'd imagine all those tentacles might come in handy."

Spike pulled Wesley to him with an arm snug around his waist. "If I closed my eyes, I wouldn't be able to look at you. I like to look at you. So I hope it's something else you're interested in."

Flattered, Wesley slid his hand down to the small of Spike's back. "Oh, it's definitely you."

Spike smiled. "Yeah? Are you studying me, pet?"

"I'd like to make you my life's work," Wesley said honestly.

"I am fascinating," Spike said with a grin. "Bet you could write a lot of papers on me."

Wesley ran his mouth along Spike's throat, letting his teeth scrape across the skin there. "I'd like to think we'll be much too busy to do things like write papers," he murmured.

"That suits me even better," Spike said, shivering slightly. He tightened his arms around Wesley's wonderfully warm body, grateful that they were both at ease enough again for such close contact.

Continues here (http://www.livejournal.com/community/reality_bends/20515.html).

Talking and cuddling in bed.

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