Trying to get along. Ha!

[wesleysgirl.livejournal.com]

Continued from here.

"No, I know," Angel said, sounding good-natured. Wesley wasn't sure if it was genuine or an act, and the fact that he couldn't tell made him uncomfortable. "I just want to know."

Feeling rather helpless, Wesley shifted his chair sideways a bit and rested his hand on Spike's thigh, the tension in the vampire's frame impossible to miss.

Comments

[flaming-muse.livejournal.com]

Spike didn't look over at Wesley, but he appreciated the touch. "You deserve a lot worse, and you bloody well know it," he said as evenly as he could.

Angel nodded sadly. "That's true," he said. The deep regret and what looked dangerously like pity in his eyes as they remained locked on him just made Spike angrier.

"That's enough right there. You've been a bastard to me for more than a century, but you don't get to add me to your list of sins to brood over."

[wesleysgirl.livejournal.com]

"So what do you want me to do? I'm serious -- tell me. Pretend like none of it happened? It doesn't seem like that's what you're doing." Angel looked confused, which, while not an unprecedented expression, made Wesley feel a bit sorry for him.

"Do you want him to apologize?" Wesley asked Spike gently.

[flaming-muse.livejournal.com]

"What's he going to apologize for?" Spike asked derisively. "For letting Dru turn me? For not staking me the first minute he laid eyes on me? He doesn't see what he did as a problem; he sees me as the problem."

Angel glanced away, very obviously not disagreeing.

It was only Wesley's hand on his leg that kept Spike from leaping over the table and punching Angel. "Bugger this," he snapped, crossing his arms over his chest. "This might be L.A., but I'm not here for therapy; I'm here to clean up another of his sodding messes."

[wesleysgirl.livejournal.com]

"It didn't have to be a mess," Angel protested. "It was all wrapped up neat and clean, everybody happy, until..." He glanced at Wesley and trailed off, clearly having better sense than to finish.

"And right there is the reason I can't stay," Wesley told him, his hand shifting and curling into a fist where it rested on Spike's thigh, unwilling to lose contact.

"Why?" Angel asked, as if he honestly didn't know.

"Because you aren't capable of seeing how what you did was wrong," Wesley said flatly.

[flaming-muse.livejournal.com]

Spike placed his hand over Wesley's now that he wasn't bearing the brunt of the attacks, rubbing his thumb gently over the back of Wesley's balled hand.

"I can see why you think it is," Angel admitted, "but I still think my decision was a good one. Things were better."

"Only because you took out the parts you didn't like and turned your friends into puppets in your own little fantasy land," Spike said.

"They weren't puppets." Angel turned to Wesley. "You weren't puppets. You were you."

[wesleysgirl.livejournal.com]

"I wasn't, not really," Wesley said. "I was a different version of me. Not the real one."

"It was still you," Angel insisted. "It's not like I was... forcing you to do what I said. You had free will. You'd just forgotten Connor and some of the things that happened with him. That's all."

"For someone who altered the memories of his friends and family and who continues to say how important it was, it's unbelievable to me that you'd now try to persuade me that it wasn't a big deal," Wesley said.

[flaming-muse.livejournal.com]

Angel leaned forward, putting his elbows on the table. He was looking increasingly desperate for Wesley to understand him. "Making Connor safe was important, but it didn't change who you were."

"It doesn't work that way," Spike said, shaking his head. "You took away part of what made them them."

"No, I didn't."

"If you'd had your memories, would you have made the same choices you did?" Spike asked Wesley.

[wesleysgirl.livejournal.com]

"I don't know," Wesley said. "It doesn't matter."

Angel frowned. "What do you mean, it doesn't matter?"

"I mean it doesn't make any difference whether or not I'd have made the same choices. Partially because there's no way to know, but also because it wouldn't change the fact that you altered my memories without my consent."

[flaming-muse.livejournal.com]

"I know, but..." The way that Angel blinked so forlornly at Wesley might have made Spike feel sorry for him if he didn't hate him so much. "I was trying to do the best for everyone."

"Next time try asking them first," Spike said.

[wesleysgirl.livejournal.com]

"It was a deal," Angel said desperately. "If they'd asked for more, I might have given that, too. My own memories, all the perks that came along with the position -- I didn't ask for those, you know."

There was a lot in what Angel had just said -- too much for Wesley to take in all at once, probably. He focused on the last thing. "No, you wouldn't have, would you." The vampire would have been just as happy being miserable, when it came right down to it.

[flaming-muse.livejournal.com]

"I didn't," Angel repeated. "You remember what it was like. Rain of fire. The Beast. Cordy. Jasmine. Connor going over the edge. Thinking you guys were all dead. I didn't think there was any way to fix it all."

"So when the friendly evil law firm came by with an easy answer, you took it?" Spike asked, managing somehow not to roll his eyes.

Angel sat back, looking tired. "It was the only thing I could do."

[wesleysgirl.livejournal.com]

"How did they do it?" Wesley asked. He couldn't help picturing being restrained, struggling, Fred's terrified face, Gunn's anger, Lorne's disbelief...

But Angel knew none of that -- he only shrugged. "I'm not sure. Some kind of magic -- it was like, as soon as I agreed, it was already done. Lilah said something about this guy, Cyrus... something, memory restructuring... I don't know."

[flaming-muse.livejournal.com]

Acutely aware of the tension in Wesley's body, Spike kept stroking his hand. There was a part of him that wanted to take Wesley away from hearing about it, and there was another, larger part that wanted to slam his fists over and over into Angel's face until all that was left was a messy smear.

"You let Wolfram and Hart do this to your friends, to your son, and you didn't get the details?" Spike asked.

Angel shifted uncomfortably in his chair. "There wasn't time."

[wesleysgirl.livejournal.com]

"They wanted you that badly?" Wesley asked. "It seems to me you could have asked for more time. It wouldn't have taken much."

"Right then? Anything would have been too much." Angel wouldn't meet Wesley's eyes. "I needed to do that for him. I would have done anything."

[flaming-muse.livejournal.com]

"Sounds like you're lucky you didn't lose more than just your memories," Spike commented, unconsciously holding onto Wesley's hand more tightly.

[wesleysgirl.livejournal.com]

"I didn't mean it like that," Angel said, but Wesley knew that he had. "I didn't -- it was for Connor, that's why. I wouldn't do anything else. Now, I mean."

"Wouldn't you?" Wesley asked. He was very grateful for Spike's hand on his.

"No. I wouldn't." Angel sounded stubborn. "He's my top priority -- you know that -- but as long as he's safe, and happy... I wouldn't do anything to hurt any of you."

[flaming-muse.livejournal.com]

"Like, say, lie about whether or not you destroyed people's memories?" Spike managed to keep most of the anger out of his voice.

"That's different," Angel replied, but there wasn't much energy behind the argument. "It'll hurt them more to find out. I was trying to stop that from happening."

"You were trying to cover your own ass," Spike corrected.

"I was, but..." Angel glanced up at Wesley but couldn't hold his gaze. "I wasn't trying to be selfish."

[wesleysgirl.livejournal.com]

"No," Wesley said slowly. "I don't think you were." Careless, willfully blind, perhaps, but not selfish. "But it can't go on like this, Angel. They have to know."

"Yeah. I'll tell them." Angel looked like it was the last thing on earth he wanted to do.

"Good." Wesley's voice was gentle, encouraging.

[flaming-muse.livejournal.com]

Spike hated to hear Wesley use such a kind tone of voice on Angel, but he kept his distaste to himself. He wasn't about to show his jealousy in front of Angel if he could avoid it.

"You'll help me explain?" Angel asked Wesley. "I don't know what to say."

[wesleysgirl.livejournal.com]

"I'm sure you'll do fine," Wesley said. "But yes, if you run into any trouble, I'll be here. I'll help however I can." He looked at Spike, not wanting to speak for both of them.

[flaming-muse.livejournal.com]

"You can do what you want," Spike said shortly, since Wesley seemed to want confirmation of some sort. "I'm not here for him."

From the expression on Angel's face, it was clear that he had to stop himself from making some sort of retort. "Thank you," he said instead to Wesley. "I really didn't think I'd end up having to do this."

[wesleysgirl.livejournal.com]

Wesley didn't think it would be wise to point out that Angel still didn't have to do it, as he and Spike would if Angel wouldn't. The last thing he wanted at that moment was to give Angel any reason to back out, or especially to leave and actually destroy the canisters that he'd claimed to have destroyed before. "It's the right thing to do," he said finally.

Angel nodded, amending the motion with a slight shrug. "I know you think it is. And don't get me wrong -- I'm not arguing with you. Well, not now, anyway." He smiled a bit. "Will this help? Things between us, I mean. You and me."

[flaming-muse.livejournal.com]

Spike stared so hard at the little flickering tea light on the table that if he had had any magical ability it would have exploded into a pillar of flame. He was frozen, waiting for Wesley to answer, as he had to, that it would.

[wesleysgirl.livejournal.com]

Wesley was so afraid of saying the wrong thing that it took him a long time to reply. He didn't want to lie, but neither did he want to hurt Angel, and that made it difficult to sort out how to put it into words. "I'll be... pleased, that you chose to do the right thing," he said carefully. "But... no, I don't think it will repair the damage between us. I'm not sure anything can do that." That sounded terrible, and Angel looked so crestfallen that he felt he had to add, "Time, maybe."

[flaming-muse.livejournal.com]

A wave of surprise and relief washed over Spike, and he squeezed Wesley's hand again.

"I'm sorry," Angel said quietly, and Spike could understand some of his pain. If Angel cared about Wesley even a tenth as much as Spike did, he had to be crushed to lose him as a friend.

[wesleysgirl.livejournal.com]

"I know you are," Wesley said.

"But that's not enough." Angel stared at the edge of the table.

There was a part of Wesley that wished there were something he could say to make Angel feel better, and another part that was, bitterly, glad that Angel felt bad. He didn't like either part of himself, so his voice was a bit colder than he'd intended when he said, "No. It's not."

[flaming-muse.livejournal.com]

Angel was quiet for a moment before nodding. "Just tell me it's not because of him, of what he's been saying to you." He glanced over at Spike.

"I haven't been saying anything he didn't already know," Spike interjected, his temper fairly subdued now that Wesley wasn't rushing to Angel's side.

[wesleysgirl.livejournal.com]

Wesley picked up a fork from the carefully laid place setting and fiddled with it. "It's not because of Spike," he said, deliberately echoing Angel's choice of words.

"Well, that was convincing," Angel said.

Looking up at Angel, Wesley asked, "Did you know that he stopped me from coming over and confronting you with a gun the night I found out?"

[flaming-muse.livejournal.com]

Angel blinked, his face registering his disbelief.

"Don't get a big head about it. Bigger head." Spike felt that he deserved at least a small jab. "It wasn't about you; it was about keeping him from doing something he'd regret."

[wesleysgirl.livejournal.com]

"And I probably would have," Wesley said, setting down the fork in its proper place and looking at it rather than Angel. "Regretted it. Although at the time it seemed like a very fine idea. It took a great deal for Spike to persuade me." He turned his head and looked at Spike then, smiling at him lovingly.

[flaming-muse.livejournal.com]

"I wasn't sure he wasn't going to shoot me to get out of the flat," Spike agreed. "You know how he is when he sets his mind on something." The warmth in Wesley's expression surprised him, but he did smile in return, especially when he remembered how they had spent the rest of the evening.

Angel's eyes moved back and forth between the two of them. "Can you not do... that?" he asked. "Tonight's going to be hard enough as it is."

[wesleysgirl.livejournal.com]

Wesley couldn't help but ask, "Why? Is it that you don't want either of us to be happy?"

"Well, not with each other," Angel said, then grimaced. "You know what I mean."

"No, I don't. Explain it." Wesley waited.

[flaming-muse.livejournal.com]

"It's you. And Spike." Angel seemed to think that that was explanation enough.

"You don't get points for knowing who we are," Spike said, relaxing back in his chair and lacing his fingers through Wesley's.

Angel shot Spike a fairly mild glare, all things considered. "I mean, Spike's always worshipping somebody, but the two of you...?" He shook his head. "It doesn't make any sense, and it's giving me a headache."

"Imagine what would happen if I kissed you," Spike commented to Wesley. "Might save us all a lot of trouble."

[wesleysgirl.livejournal.com]

Wesley could tell that Spike was pleased with this new development, but the thought that Angel didn't consider him worthy of Spike's attention meant that all he could do was offer them both a strained smile and say, "I'm sorry you find the idea physically debilitating, but you'll have to get used to it."

[flaming-muse.livejournal.com]

"Are you sure when you got your memories back you didn't knock something else loose?" Angel asked. "That's Spike." Again, he said it like the name carried a whole host of meaning, which it probably did to him. "And didn't you have a thing for Fred?"

"Times change, mate," Spike said rather more confidently than he felt.

[wesleysgirl.livejournal.com]

"Yes, I'm well aware, and yes," Wesley said. "In that order. But please, Angel, come right out and say whatever it is you're thinking."

That earned him a momentary blank look before Angel recovered. "It won't last, you know that, right?" Angel asked.

Those words struck a little bit too close to Wesley's own fears. "Why? Because he's just using me?"

[flaming-muse.livejournal.com]

"I'm not using you," Spike said immediately, frowning.

"Spike, come on," Angel said. "Wes is a good guy; he deserves the truth. As soon as you pull yourself together you're going to go trail after Buffy like a homeless puppy."

Spike tensed in his chair, ready to strike. "I bloody well am not!"

[wesleysgirl.livejournal.com]

Wesley didn't know what to say -- he couldn't help but wonder if there was some truth to what Angel had said. He squeezed Spike's hand reassuringly.

"You are," Angel said. "And I don't want to see Wes get hurt like that."

[flaming-muse.livejournal.com]

"You don't know a bleeding thing," Spike said sharply. "If you'd paid half the attention to me over the years that you have your sodding hair you'd know I wouldn't do that."

"You know, Harmony does work for me, and she only stops talking once in a while," Angel pointed out. He was beginning to look almost smug, and that made Spike even angrier.

"Harm knew I never cared about her. Wes is different, and he knows it." Spike turned to Wesley. "Right?"

[wesleysgirl.livejournal.com]

Startled by his sudden inclusion in the discussion, Wesley blinked. "Yes. Right." He blinked again, then brought his free hand up and pinched the bridge of his nose wearily. "Angel, is there some reason you feel that this is your business?"

Angel frowned. "You're my friend -- I just want to know you're okay."

"I am okay," Wesley said.

"Okay and not with someone who's going to lose interest in a couple of weeks," Angel added.

[flaming-muse.livejournal.com]

"I don't remember anyone asking your opinion," Spike said, one of his legs beginning to bounce beneath the table.

"Wes did," Angel said.

Spike paused as he realized that Angel was right but quickly rallied. "I don't think listening to you spout utter rubbish was what he had in mind."

[wesleysgirl.livejournal.com]

"Is there some reason why we're not drinking?" Wesley asked, rubbing his forehead.

[flaming-muse.livejournal.com]

"Because we've got to keep our sodding wits about us for when we tell the others what happened," Spike said, then brightened. "But since he's going to be the one doing it, we're free to drink. Do they serve whiskey by the bottle here?"

Angel shot Spike a look of utter disdain and said to Wesley, "Please tell me you're not really serious about him."

[wesleysgirl.livejournal.com]

Very deliberately, Wesley said, "I'm completely serious about him, and I always will be. It would be for the best if you could get used to the idea."

[flaming-muse.livejournal.com]

Continues here (http://www.livejournal.com/community/reality_bends/68556.html).