Recovering

[wesleysgirl.livejournal.com]

Continued from here.

Making a mental note to stop apologizing, Wesley said, "Maybe it was just everything. Too much all at once?"

Comments

[flaming-muse.livejournal.com]

"You've been hit with a lot." Spike hoped that Wesley wouldn't take offense to the sympathy that was surely written across his face, but he did feel deeply for how much Wesley had been through in recent days... and years.

[wesleysgirl.livejournal.com]

"Please tell me you aren't horrified and just trying to hide it?" Wesley said, vulnerably honest in that moment.

[flaming-muse.livejournal.com]

"Just for you. Not by you," Spike assured Wesley, looking steadily into his eyes. He used one hand to slick back his own hair, which was dripping water down his face, before replacing it securely around Wesley. "I hate that you've had all this happen to you."

[wesleysgirl.livejournal.com]

Wesley wasn't sure that that wasn't worse -- sympathy felt more like pity, even from Spike. "I'd like to say that it won't happen again, but..."

[flaming-muse.livejournal.com]

"It doesn't matter, pet," Spike said quickly. "You know I don't have a problem with emotion. I've always thought if you feel something you might as well show it."

[wesleysgirl.livejournal.com]

"What if you don't know you're feeling it?" Wesley asked, grimacing. He sighed. "Well, I suppose I should be grateful that I have a complete emotional breakdown when I'm happy, rather than losing my soul."

[flaming-muse.livejournal.com]

Spike let out a soft chuckle. "That is good, and you're not breaking down." He paused, tilting his head and considering Wesley, who looked sane enough. "Are you?"

[wesleysgirl.livejournal.com]

Wesley smiled in a strained sort of way at Spike's expression. "Only temporarily, apparently."

[flaming-muse.livejournal.com]

"Good, because the shower'd get cold if it lasted longer." Spike smiled and gave Wesley a gentle squeeze.

[wesleysgirl.livejournal.com]

Bringing a hand up to rest against Spike's chest, Wesley said, "Thank you for putting up with me."

[flaming-muse.livejournal.com]

Spike shook his head to dismiss the thought. "I don't put up with you," he said. "I love you. There's a world of difference."

[wesleysgirl.livejournal.com]

"Still, you'd prefer it if I didn't..." Wesley made a vague gesture that was meant to indicate his lack of control.

[flaming-muse.livejournal.com]

"If you didn't...?" Raising his eyebrow, Spike mimicked the gesture. "I've got two and only two problems with what happened, love. One, that you've got so much that's eating away at you and I can't do a sodding thing about it. And, two, that we were crouched on a hard tile floor with water in our eyes instead of someplace I could've held you better." He shot Wesley a stern glare. "Which isn't a complaint about you."

[wesleysgirl.livejournal.com]

"You're holding me now," Wesley pointed out, pressing himself closer. "And... I actually think I feel better, somehow."

[flaming-muse.livejournal.com]

With a relieved but cautious smile, Spike said, "Good." He was full of questions about what had been going through Wesley's mind, but Wesley didn't seem to know why he had reacted so strongly. He settled on asking, "Do you know what started it?"

[wesleysgirl.livejournal.com]

Wesley shook his head. "Not a clue. I was..." He trailed off, thinking, trying to remember. "I felt happy. Accepted. Loved."

[flaming-muse.livejournal.com]

"You are," Spike said with a warm smile. "Though I'm sorry it makes you cry like you've lost everything in the world." The water was cooling bit by bit as it rained down on them, and he said, "I think we're stretching your water heater to its limits."

[wesleysgirl.livejournal.com]

"Our water heater," Wesley said absently. "Let's get out?"

[flaming-muse.livejournal.com]

Spike couldn't quite agree with the correction, despite how much he enjoyed hearing it, but he didn't say anything as he partially released Wesley to turn and shut off the water. It was suddenly much quieter in the shower when the water ceased its relentless pounding, and Spike took a shallow breath, catching his emotional balance before searching Wesley's eyes again for any sign that he might still be on the verge of tears.

[wesleysgirl.livejournal.com]

"I'm fine, love," Wesley said, when Spike looked at him with concern. "Really."

[flaming-muse.livejournal.com]

"You've got a funny definition of the word 'fine' if it includes crying that hard and not knowing why," Spike commented, more resigned than anything to Wesley's inability to understand his emotions. "I'm allowed to worry about you for a bit afterwards."

[wesleysgirl.livejournal.com]

Stepping out of the shower and reaching for some towels, Wesley said uncomfortably, "There didn't seem to be a specific reason at this time, no. I think... I think it was just... everything. Everything that I didn't let myself... well."

[flaming-muse.livejournal.com]

Spike accepted the towel Wesley offered him, but he let it dangle from his hands instead of beginning to dry himself off. "I know. It's all right. Like I said, I think you needed it. It's..." He trailed off, finding himself at a loss for words. "I don't want you to have so much hurting you," he finally finished with a helpless shrug.

[wesleysgirl.livejournal.com]

"Maybe I'll learn not to let it." Wesley rubbed his towel briskly across his chest.

[flaming-muse.livejournal.com]

"That wasn't my point." Sighing, Spike began to dry himself more slowly. "Learning not to hold everything in until it bursts out of you sounds like a better plan." He spoke to his feet as he rubbed the towel down his legs. "I know you were taught not to show your feelings, pet, but you can't live like that."

[wesleysgirl.livejournal.com]

"I've managed to survive so far," Wesley grumbled, but he smiled a bit as he did. As he continued to dry himself off, he said, "So if I wanted to complain about every slight and unkind comment I've ever received, in addition to the ones that haven't occurred yet, you'd be willing to listen?"

[flaming-muse.livejournal.com]

Spike stood up straight again and scrubbed the towel over his hair. "I can't promise I wouldn't want to go hunt some people down afterwards, but I'd listen." He lowered his arms to dry his chest and asked, "Do you want to tell me about it?" The thought of hearing about everything that had happened to Wesley all at once was mildly alarming in its potential for intense outbursts, but he was pleased by the thought that Wesley might trust him enough to use him to try to get his emotions out.

[wesleysgirl.livejournal.com]

Unable to resist, Wesley reached out and ran his fingers through Spike's damp hair. "Right at this very moment? No. But maybe, at some point... if I were very drunk..." He smiled to show that he was mostly joking.

[flaming-muse.livejournal.com]

Unconsciously tilting his head into Wesley's hand, Spike returned the smile. "I'm here any time you're ready."

[wesleysgirl.livejournal.com]

Wesley was surprised to think that at some point he might actually be. "Thank you."

[flaming-muse.livejournal.com]

"I know; I won't hold my breath." Spike grinned and rolled his eyes. "Doesn't make much sense coming from a vampire, does it, but you know what I mean. I won't push." He paused, then corrected himself, "Much. No more than usual."

[wesleysgirl.livejournal.com]

"It's good to know that this sort of thing won't drive you away," Wesley admitted.

[flaming-muse.livejournal.com]

"Telling me or not telling me?" Spike asked, flipping the towel behind him to dry off his back.

[wesleysgirl.livejournal.com]

"Neither," Wesley said. He rubbed his own towel over his hair slowly, letting it absorb the water. "Being emotional."

[flaming-muse.livejournal.com]

"No, it's good. Means I'm not the only one." Figuring it wouldn't hurt to make his point as obvious as possible, Spike stopped what he was doing and met Wesley's eyes squarely. "Let me make this clear: I wouldn't be nearly as interested in you if you didn't have as big a heart as you do beneath all that reserve."

[wesleysgirl.livejournal.com]

Wesley's chest ached as a result of Spike's sincerity. "Then I'm glad that I do," he said truthfully. "Even if there are times when it's been less than convenient."

[flaming-muse.livejournal.com]

Given his own past, Spike couldn't help but be sympathetic. "Yeah, I know that feeling," he said, rubbing the towel one last time over his chest and stomach before dropping it to the floor. He took a step forward and slid his arm loosely around Wesley's waist. "But you don't ever have to hide it with me."

[wesleysgirl.livejournal.com]

"I'm sure I still will," Wesley said, leaning into Spike's casual embrace. "I'll need constant reminders not to."

[flaming-muse.livejournal.com]

Spike privately thought that he'd have to make a list so he wouldn't forget any of the things Wesley wanted to be reminded to do or not to do, but he said, "I haven't been shy about getting you to talk so far."

[wesleysgirl.livejournal.com]

"That's true. And you're very good at it." Wesley stroked his hands along Spike's skin, his own towel dropping to the floor.

[flaming-muse.livejournal.com]

"Not knowing when to give up has its good points," Spike said, taking advantage of Wesley's seeming willingness to be hugged to slip his other arm around him.

[wesleysgirl.livejournal.com]

"You have a hundred good points," Wesley said fiercely. "It might take me all day to name them."

[flaming-muse.livejournal.com]

Spike blinked, somewhat surprised by Wesley's reaction. "We'll have to plan ahead if you ever decide you need to do that, then."

[wesleysgirl.livejournal.com]

"I'm sure I will," Wesley said, less intensely but with no less sincerity. "One of those days we spend in bed, I'll just devote the entire time to," he kissed Spike's shoulder, "naming," kissed his throat, "everything I love about you."

[flaming-muse.livejournal.com]

Continues here (http://www.livejournal.com/community/reality_bends/59740.html).