Emotions running high

[wesleysgirl.livejournal.com]

Continued from here.

"No," Wesley said, when what he really meant was yes, please, more. He was aware that he shouldn't do that -- say one thing when he meant another -- but he couldn't, simply couldn't ask for what he needed. He moved toward Spike just a tiny bit, wanting the comfort of his body but unable to ask for that either. Every muscle in his body was tense, his eyes burning with unshed tears.

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[wesleysgirl.livejournal.com]

"You," Wesley said, then he realized that could easily be taken the wrong way. "I mean... you do give me everything I need. Even when, sometimes, I don't want it. Don't want to need it." He drew a shuddering breath. "I'm sorry."

[flaming-muse.livejournal.com]

It hurt to hear that Wesley didn't want to need him, but Spike couldn't really blame him for it. If it meant that Wesley might work to overcome those needs in the future, Spike couldn't think about that problem now. "Don't apologize. But if you want something and you can get it you should take it. Why wouldn't you? It's not hurting anyone."

[wesleysgirl.livejournal.com]

Now that he felt he might be able to avoid crying, Wesley struggled to explain. "But I don't want to... take it. I want our relationship to be equal, not me needing reassurance constantly and then falling apart when I get it. There are already so many other reasons I need you."

[flaming-muse.livejournal.com]

"You reassure me. You love me. I'd say that makes us equal." Trying not to ask the wrong question and sound too critical, even though he wanted to understand why Wesley got so upset, Spike settled on saying, "Does it help, what I say to you?"

[wesleysgirl.livejournal.com]

"Yes and no," Wesley said with a twisted expression that was meant to be a smile. He turned his hand under Spike's and held on. "It does help, I just end up like this. Emotional."

[flaming-muse.livejournal.com]

"Emotional's all right with me, love," Spike said, still searching Wesley's face for the key that would unlock the mystery of his reactions. "But I don't want to make you feel worse."

[wesleysgirl.livejournal.com]

"I was..." There had to be a way to put it so that Spike would understand, without Wesley needing to say the unthinkable. "I was taught," he said carefully, "not to do that."

[flaming-muse.livejournal.com]

Spike shook his head in disbelief. "Not to have emotions? Feeling things is one of the ways you know you're alive. Or not, in my case, but you get the idea." He squeezed Wesley's hand and asked, "Is that really how you want to be? 'Cause I can tell you it's never going to work. Your heart's way too big for that."

[wesleysgirl.livejournal.com]

"Yes, I suppose not to have them would be the ideal," Wesley said, concentrating on the first part. "Not showing them was considered sufficient."