Lullaby... and goodnight... (Think they'll take the hint?)

[wesleysgirl.livejournal.com]

Continued from here.

Wesley sighed and looked down at their hands again. "See, I'd ask you to swear it, but if this were a dream, then you would, wouldn't you." He smiled tentatively. "And I'd claim that I'm only like this because I'm drunk, but you'd know that wasn't true."

Comments

[flaming-muse.livejournal.com]

"Why don't you think this is real?" Spike asked, trying to cut to the heart of the matter.

[wesleysgirl.livejournal.com]

"Because it couldn't possibly be," Wesley said. "Things like this don't happen to me. I drop things, and get translations wrong, and get blown up. And shot. I don't get someone like you."

[flaming-muse.livejournal.com]

"I think you've got a skewed view of both of us." Spike squeezed Wesley's hand and brought it to his lips to brush a soft kiss on the back of it. "That's not how I see you."

[wesleysgirl.livejournal.com]

Wesley closed his eyes at the touch of Spike's lips. "Lucky you," he said very softly.

[flaming-muse.livejournal.com]

"I am lucky," Spike said, smiling gently. "You should try seeing yourself my way for a change. Think of it as an experiment."

[wesleysgirl.livejournal.com]

"I wouldn't know where to start," Wesley said.

[flaming-muse.livejournal.com]

"How about by looking at things you do well?" Spike suggested. "You're bloody brilliant, and you got my body back when I was giving up hope, for a start. You know more about demons than I do, and I am one. You're a crack shot with those guns of yours." He offered a hopeful grin. "And you're a hell of a kisser."

[wesleysgirl.livejournal.com]

Wesley smiled back uncertainly, removing his hand from Spike's so that he could slide it along the vampire's chest. "Am I?" he asked, his voice low.

[flaming-muse.livejournal.com]

There was a part of Spike that doubted that he would ever get through to Wesley, so deep were the man's insecurities, but it just wasn't in him not to try. "You are, and that's just the tip of the iceberg. You should trust me; I've known a lot more people than you have." Although, admittedly, he had killed many of them, but that didn't mean he wasn't a good judge.

[wesleysgirl.livejournal.com]

"I do trust you," Wesley said. It felt wrong not to repeat that at every opportunity, because it was important to him that Spike believe it, and thinking about that made him realize that maybe Spike really did know. "You really think that's how I am."

[flaming-muse.livejournal.com]

"I know that's how you are," Spike said firmly. "And somewhere inside you think so, too. You do your research yourself, you take charge, you make decisions. If you didn't think you could, you'd let someone else do it."

[wesleysgirl.livejournal.com]

Wesley thought about that. "There's always this niggling doubt. That all the things my... That deep down, I'm flawed."

[flaming-muse.livejournal.com]

That Wesley could think that way about himself was utterly absurd and rather sad. "That's a load of bollocks," Spike said. "You're not flawed. You just keep focusing on the bad instead of the good."

[wesleysgirl.livejournal.com]

Wesley reached for Spike's hand again, rolling onto his back and using both his own hands to stretch Spike's flat, tracing the lines on Spike's palm with one finger. "I think... there's a tiny part of me that wants to believe it isn't all random. That whatever plan there is in the universe includes rewarding those who try to do good." He sighed. "I know that's not the case. But I like the thought of a world where it might be."

[flaming-muse.livejournal.com]

"When Buffy died, she went to heaven. That was her reward. You'll get one, too." Spike's voice was nearly as gentle as the way Wesley was touching his palm. "I know it doesn't mean much compared to what's happened to you now, but it's not completely pointless. There's some plan out there, though I'll be buggered if I know what it is."

[wesleysgirl.livejournal.com]

"Oh, I know it's not pointless," Wesley said, seeing that he'd failed to explain properly. "I know there are reasons to keep doing what I do, regardless of whether there's a light at the end of the tunnel for me."

[flaming-muse.livejournal.com]

"But you want there to be justice now? So if something bad happens to you there's a reason besides someone else being a pillock?"

[wesleysgirl.livejournal.com]

"You can't understand why it would be easier that way?" Wesley asked. "To think that if something bad happened there was a reason for it, rather than that it didn't matter what you did?"

[flaming-muse.livejournal.com]

"I do understand," Spike said. "I'm not arguing. It'd be much fairer if the world worked like that, and it probably should. But since it doesn't it also means we can be happier than we deserve, so it's not always bad that things are the way they are."

[wesleysgirl.livejournal.com]

Wesley wasn't sure he liked the thought of that any better, but he suspected saying so would just get him into trouble. "This is a rather depressing topic, isn't it."

[flaming-muse.livejournal.com]

Spike couldn't help but smile at such an obvious statement. "That doesn't mean we shouldn't talk about it. It's on your mind."

[wesleysgirl.livejournal.com]

"Lots of things are on my mind," Wesley said. "That doesn't mean it's always a good idea to talk about them."

[flaming-muse.livejournal.com]

"Doesn't mean it isn't." Spike nudged Wesley's calf with his foot. "I thought you were all about getting things out into the open, not letting them eat away at you. Or is that just about me?"

[wesleysgirl.livejournal.com]

Weselsy shifted his position slightly, pulling Spike's hand in against his chest so that he could run his fingers over the back of it. "No, it's not just about you."

[flaming-muse.livejournal.com]

Spike moved in a bit closer, pressing his palm over Wesley's heart to feel its rhythm. "Does it help you to talk?" he asked, genuinely unsure what the answer was, since whatever Spike said didn't seem to do much good.

[wesleysgirl.livejournal.com]

"It didn't help you," Wesley pointed out, although that wasn't an answer to the question. He sighed. "I don't know. I think what would really help would be to believe I'm what you think I am, and I don't know how to do that."

[flaming-muse.livejournal.com]

Spike sighed before he could stop himself. "I guess I'll have to keep telling you what I see and hope at some point you'll figure out I'm right." He was quiet for a moment, looking at the paleness of his hand against Wesley's chest, and then said, "And I didn't say it didn't help me."

[wesleysgirl.livejournal.com]

Wesley remained very still. "No? But I thought..."

[flaming-muse.livejournal.com]

"It helps that you know," Spike said softly, still not looking up. "It doesn't change what I did or what I am, but it helps that you know and you're still here."

[wesleysgirl.livejournal.com]

The relief that Wesley felt was enormous, washing over him like a wave. "I'm still here," he said reassuringly. "I'll still be here in the morning, and next week, and next year. Ten years from now, if you haven't grown tired of me by then."

[flaming-muse.livejournal.com]

Spike smiled at that thought, faintly but honestly, and he met Wesley's gaze. "I can't imagine growing tired of you."

[wesleysgirl.livejournal.com]

Strangely, or perhaps not so strangely, the fact that Spike had admitted to that insecurity made Wesley feel better. "We may be stuck with each other," he said with some humor.

[flaming-muse.livejournal.com]

"What a shame," Spike said, his smile growing wider.

[wesleysgirl.livejournal.com]

Wesley stroked his hand over the back of Spike's, which was still resting on his chest. "We'll have to console ourselves with lots of sex," he suggested.

[flaming-muse.livejournal.com]

"Good thing we got an early start on that." Spike slid over a bit more, reaching out with one leg to rest it against Wesley's.

[wesleysgirl.livejournal.com]

"Come closer," Wesley protested, tugging at Spike gently. "And it wasn't early enough. I'm not sure I'll ever get enough of you."

[flaming-muse.livejournal.com]

His mood elevated further by that statement, Spike was happy to press himself against Wesley's side, draping his leg over one of Wesley's. "I'll do my best to make you tired of me, then," he said, dropping a kiss on Wesley's shoulder.

[wesleysgirl.livejournal.com]

Wsley smiled and ran his hand through Spike's gel-free hair. "Isn't that what we were talking about before? Except I think I was supposed to be the one tiring you out."

[flaming-muse.livejournal.com]

One thing to be said, Spike thought, about not having his hair gelled was that Wesley's fingers slid through it so easily. "You did an excellent job."

[wesleysgirl.livejournal.com]

"Oh, no," Wesley said. "I should have done much better. You're not nearly as exhausted I was imagining." He played with a small curl just above Spike's ear, wishing the hair there was just a bit longer.

[flaming-muse.livejournal.com]

"No?" Spike liked the sound of that. "What were you imagining?"

[wesleysgirl.livejournal.com]

"Honestly? I was picturing getting you to the point where you'd be utterly incapable of anything but whimpering." Wesley was enjoying running his fingers through Spike's hair more than he'd have thought, and he continued to do it with relish, unsure when he'd have the opportunity again.

[flaming-muse.livejournal.com]

Wesley's petting was causing Spike's eyes to drift halfway shut and was sparking an odd, melting warmth deep inside of him. "Sounds nice, although I don't know if I've ever whimpered in my life."

[wesleysgirl.livejournal.com]

Wesley turned towards Spike, settling them into a more comfortable position. "I'd like to make you. To know that'd I'd been the one to do it."

[flaming-muse.livejournal.com]

Continues here (http://www.livejournal.com/community/reality_bends/52961.html).