Riding in the car with boys.

[flaming-muse.livejournal.com]

Continued from here.

"So it's not a problem," Spike said. "Ask me anything you want. I doubt there's much I wouldn't tell you." Since you've already heard some of the worst things I've done, he thought with more resignation than resentment.

Comments

[wesleysgirl.livejournal.com]

"All right." After a moment, Wesley asked, "How were you the same? Which sorts of things carried over for you, from when you were alive?"

[flaming-muse.livejournal.com]

"Well, I still loved my mother," Spike said wryly. "Still liked to read. Still hated the taste of port. But I was more interested in being different than I was in being the same."

[wesleysgirl.livejournal.com]

"Because you didn't like those aspects of yourself? Or is that just the way things are when you're changed, do you think?"

[flaming-muse.livejournal.com]

Spike considered agreeing with Wesley's second statement and taking the easy way out, but he settled on being honest. "A bit of both. I had power for the first time in my life, and I liked it."

[wesleysgirl.livejournal.com]

"That's understandable." Wesley slowed down as the car in front of them did. "I think most people would react that way."

[flaming-muse.livejournal.com]

"Especially if they were like I was." Spike was more thoughtful as he continued, "I used to think Dru turning me was the best thing that ever happened to me. Suppose in some ways I still do, although now I see why it wasn't better for everyone else. But I can't be sorry it happened."

[wesleysgirl.livejournal.com]

Wesley reached into his pocket for the slip of paper that had the address of the observatory. It was crumpled and probably not necessary, as he'd looked up the directions so that he could identify where it was located, but it still couldn't hurt to have it. He dropped the paper into the rarely-used cupholder and said, "No. Neither can I. Which I can assure you isn't something that I ever imagined myself saying."

[flaming-muse.livejournal.com]

"I doubt many people would say it," Spike said mildly. "At any rate, I changed a lot after I was turned."

[wesleysgirl.livejournal.com]

"Other than just enjoying your newfound sense of power, you mean?" Wesley asked.

[flaming-muse.livejournal.com]

"Right." Considering how many of his changes had to do with Angelus, Spike didn't think that expanding any further on that topic with Wesley was wise. "But some vamps don't. Back in Sunnydale there was this scholarly bloke who didn't change much at all."

[wesleysgirl.livejournal.com]

Wesley nodded. "So you'd consider yourself an extreme example? Of someone who'd changed a great deal?"

[flaming-muse.livejournal.com]

"I wouldn't say extreme," Spike said. "But I definitely didn't try to stay who I had been."

[wesleysgirl.livejournal.com]

"Was who you'd been really so bad?" Wesley asked quietly.

[flaming-muse.livejournal.com]

"I was..." Weak. Soft. Led by my heart. Not really wanting to face the fact that he hadn't changed nearly as much as he might have liked, Spike said, "Yeah. But the man I was is long dead, now."

[wesleysgirl.livejournal.com]

Unsure what to say, Wesley reached out and squeezed Spike's arm briefly. "Since I like the man you are now, it's difficult to feel much for him. You don't miss it?"

[flaming-muse.livejournal.com]

"Being him? No. Being human?" Spike paused for a moment to consider the question. "No. Not really. A couple of things, maybe, but I'm happier as I am."

[wesleysgirl.livejournal.com]

"If there was anything I could do..." Wesley lifted one shoulder in a sort of half-shrug. "I'm sure there isn't. But if there is, tell me?"

[flaming-muse.livejournal.com]

Spike glanced over at Wesley. "Could do about what?"

[wesleysgirl.livejournal.com]

"The things you miss," Wesley said.

[flaming-muse.livejournal.com]

Spike smiled and shook his head. "Thanks, pet, but I doubt there's much you could do. It's all right; being what I am is worth missing out on a few things."

[wesleysgirl.livejournal.com]

"It's definitely preferable in this line of work," Wesley said. "You're less likely to be debilitated by serious injury, for example."

[flaming-muse.livejournal.com]

"Or if I am I still heal, like the time my spine got snapped," Spike agreed. "And I'm strong enough I can take on pretty much anything that comes at me."

[wesleysgirl.livejournal.com]

"You broke your back?" Wesley asked, unable to keep the concern out of his voice. "When?"

[flaming-muse.livejournal.com]

"Pretty soon after I first got to Sunnydale. Buffy dropped an organ on us because we needed Angel's blood to heal Dru. I'm still not sure how she did it." Spike could still remember how it had felt when his spine buckled and cracked beneath the weight of the instrument, and he shifted slightly in his seat. "She probably would've been better off if she'd let us finish the ritual, since pretty soon after Angelus was back and life got real interesting for everyone."

[wesleysgirl.livejournal.com]

That was a bit more than Wesley could absorb in the amount of time it had taken Spike to tell it. "How long did it take for you to heal?"

[flaming-muse.livejournal.com]

"Weeks? A month? I don't know. It felt like sodding forever while I was stuck in that bloody wheelchair." Spike fidgeted unconsciously some more, almost to remind himself that he was no longer paralyzed, though it had been years since the incident. "And then Dru went off with Angel every chance she got and brought me back puppies to eat."

[wesleysgirl.livejournal.com]

"Puppies?" Wesley raised an eyebrow in Spike's direction.

[flaming-muse.livejournal.com]

"Don't ask me," Spike said, shrugging. "She was trying to help."

[wesleysgirl.livejournal.com]

"I suppose there are plenty of other things she could have done that would have been much less helpful," Wesley said, imagining Drusilla wandering off and leaving Spike to fend for himself.

[flaming-muse.livejournal.com]

"She did some of those, too, but that's Dru," Spike said with a laugh. "Wasn't so funny then, of course, but now it's just a memory."

[wesleysgirl.livejournal.com]

"It must have been very painful," Wesley said, and he wasn't just talking about the physical injury.

[flaming-muse.livejournal.com]

Spike stared out the window silently for a moment, and his voice was quiet when he spoke. "Yeah. It was."

[wesleysgirl.livejournal.com]

Keeping his eyes on the road, Wesley reached over until his hand found Spike's thigh, and then he rested it there, hoping to provide comfort. "I'm sorry, love," he offered.

[flaming-muse.livejournal.com]

"It's ancient history," Spike said mildly, but he laid his hand over Wesley's, grateful for the contact. "That which does not kill you and all that rot."

[wesleysgirl.livejournal.com]

"Ah yes," Wesley said, giving Spike a quick glance to let him know that he was teasing himself as much as the vampire. "I always find a good quote makes me feel so much better when I think of all the things I wish hadn't happened."

[flaming-muse.livejournal.com]

With a slight grin, Spike replied, "Can't underestimate the power of a good platitude."

[wesleysgirl.livejournal.com]

"I still wish..." Wesley stopped himself. "I suppose wishing that it hadn't happened is rather pointless. You might not be where you are today if things had been different, and I certainly want you here."

[flaming-muse.livejournal.com]

Spike patted Wesley's hand. "I know what you mean, and I appreciate the thought. Parts of it were hell, and it was the beginning of the end with Dru, but it led me to Buffy, my soul, and now you."

[wesleysgirl.livejournal.com]

Wesley wondered if there would ever be a time when Buffy's name being mentioned didn't bother him. "You're starting from scratch," he said.

[flaming-muse.livejournal.com]

"Like a phoenix rising from the ashes, in more ways than one," Spike said, grinning. "But I'm just rolling with the punches. I could come up with some more platitudes, if you'd like."

[wesleysgirl.livejournal.com]

"That won't be necessary," Wesley said, smiling gently.

[flaming-muse.livejournal.com]

"Thank god. I think I'm running low," Spike said with mock relief. "I'll have to read up on them before the next time you ask about my past."

[wesleysgirl.livejournal.com]

"Maybe I just shouldn't," Wesley suggested. "Ask, I mean."

[flaming-muse.livejournal.com]

Spike stilled, his gaze returning to the street in front of them. "That's up to you. It isn't pretty, and I doubt you'll like hearing about it." It wasn't, he told himself, a rejection; it was just sensible.

[wesleysgirl.livejournal.com]

Continues here (http://www.livejournal.com/community/reality_bends/43933.html).