Awake = Arguing. Apparently.

[wesleysgirl.livejournal.com]

Continued from here.

Wesley was struck suddenly by how much this conversation reminded him of the one he'd had with Angel only a few weeks before, when he'd had to defend the fact that he'd taken Fred with him to meet Emil at the warehouse. God, that seemed like a lifetime ago.

"Sometimes," he said carefully, "there's a difference between what someone wants and what he needs."

Comments

[flaming-muse.livejournal.com]

"How do you know what I need?" Spike asked, feeling more and more like an object to be manipulated in Wesley's eyes than like a person he cared about. "Don't fool yourself that this was just about me. You wanted something for yourself, too; you already admitted it. You want me to trust you completely and to tell you everything, and you were determined to show I could instead of letting me figure it out in my own time."

[wesleysgirl.livejournal.com]

"I don't know what you want from me," Wesley said, tightening his grip on his own arm. "There's nothing I can offer you but an apology, and I've done that."

[flaming-muse.livejournal.com]

"Let's start with why you're apologizing, because you don't seem to be sorry for what happened," Spike said. He got out of bed, keeping his eyes on Wesley's face for a moment longer before looking around for his jeans. "If you don't mean it, don't say it."

[wesleysgirl.livejournal.com]

Wesley backed up, giving Spike more room. "Or it could be that we already had this conversation last night, more than once, and I've no idea what else to say. I'm sorry if I made the wrong call. I'm sorry that you were upset by it. I... I'm sorry that concrete proof of what I'm capable of is difficult for you to handle."

[flaming-muse.livejournal.com]

Gritting his teeth against his body's protests, Spike tugged on his jeans and stood watching Wesley with his hands on his hips. "Fine. You're sorry. You were trying to help, so I accept. It's fine. It's over." And maybe it was for the best, since now I know your feelings and priorities come before mine.

[wesleysgirl.livejournal.com]

"Right. It's over." Wesley didn't believe that any more than he thought Spike did.

[flaming-muse.livejournal.com]

Wesley was still standing there not meeting Spike's eyes and looking like he expected Spike to start yelling. With a sigh of frustration, Spike stepped in front of him to try to get Wesley to look at him. "It is for me. You don't think so?"

[wesleysgirl.livejournal.com]

Without raising his eyes, Wesley nodded slightly.

[flaming-muse.livejournal.com]

"Why?" Spike asked. He tried to keep the sting of not being believed out of his voice.

[wesleysgirl.livejournal.com]

Wesley wouldn't -- couldn't -- put it into words. "You're still upset with me," he said instead.

[flaming-muse.livejournal.com]

"What do you want me to say?" Spike asked. "We don't see things the same way, but you were trying to help. Yeah, I'm not happy. So what? That's my problem; not yours."

[wesleysgirl.livejournal.com]

"Because I'm the one you're dis-- " Wesley cut himself off abruptly and tried again. "I'm the one you're unhappy with."

[flaming-muse.livejournal.com]

"I'm dis-what? Disappointed in?" Spike pressed his fingers briefly to his aching temple, seeing Wesley's physical mannerisms through the conversation in a whole new light. "Hell, Wes, I'll argue with you and tell you when you've got your head up your ass, but even when you do things I hate I'm not going to bloody well look down on you. I've got too much respect for you for that."

[wesleysgirl.livejournal.com]

If it was possible to pull further in on oneself without actually moving, that was what Wesley did. "I can't assure you something similar won't happen again," he said very quietly. "So... I'll understand if..."

[flaming-muse.livejournal.com]

"Would you just stop and look at me?" Spike asked sharply.

[wesleysgirl.livejournal.com]

Startled, Wesley glanced up at Spike.

[flaming-muse.livejournal.com]

That's something, anyway, Spike thought. "Look, you did something I don't like, and you'd do it again, because you think it was the right thing to do. If you do, I'm still not going to like it, for a hell of a lot of reasons, and I'm going to have some things to say about it. You with me so far?"

[wesleysgirl.livejournal.com]

Wesley nodded.

[flaming-muse.livejournal.com]

"Good," Spike said. "So the question is do you want someone who's going to agree with every decision you make or keep quiet when he doesn't? 'Cause that's never going to be me. There's a lot I'm willing to disagree on and a lot I'm willing to put up with, but I'm never going to keep my mouth shut about it. Can you handle that?"

[wesleysgirl.livejournal.com]

"I -- " Wesley stopped, confused and upset. "When did this become about what I can handle?"

[flaming-muse.livejournal.com]

"When you wouldn't even look at me because I'm upset," Spike said. He knew he was being more blunt than he probably should be, but he didn't have it in him to try to be subtle. "When you're standing there looking like I'm going to hit you because I don't like what you did."

[wesleysgirl.livejournal.com]

Wesley made himself meet Spike's eyes because it seemed important. "I didn't think that."

[flaming-muse.livejournal.com]

"Then what did you think I was going to do? Yell?" Spike paused and shrugged self-consciously. "Yeah, all right, I might've if I didn't have this headache, but I'm loud. Doesn't mean it's the end of the world."

[wesleysgirl.livejournal.com]

"That wasn't -- " Wesley cut himself off again, instinctively, then forced himself to continue. "That wasn't what I was worried about either."

[flaming-muse.livejournal.com]

"Then tell me what is," Spike said quietly, hoping that it might be enough.

[wesleysgirl.livejournal.com]

"That I thought you couldn't handle it." Wesley closed his eyes briefly. "Or didn't want to."

[flaming-muse.livejournal.com]

"Can't say I'm glad to have had that part of you turned on -" against "- me, but I knew it was there. I can handle it." Spike kept his eyes steady on Wesley's.

[wesleysgirl.livejournal.com]

Wesley found himself caught in that gaze, either unwilling or unable to look away. "Are you sure?"

[flaming-muse.livejournal.com]

"Yes," Spike said simply, resigned to the fact that he would put up with a lot worse for love.

[wesleysgirl.livejournal.com]

"I didn't mean to hurt you," Wesley said, staying where he was for the time being because it was difficult to ascertain what Spike was thinking.

[flaming-muse.livejournal.com]

"I know, pet," Spike said quietly. He was still upset about how Wesley had so forcefully put his desires above Spike's and about what Spike had admitted because of it, but there was no way he could hold out against the obvious unhappiness in Wesley's voice. He slid his hand lightly down Wesley's arm. "It's all right."

[wesleysgirl.livejournal.com]

His voice barely above a whisper, Wesley said, "I really am sorry."

[flaming-muse.livejournal.com]

"I know," Spike said, running his hand down Wesley's arm again, this time entwining their fingers instead of pulling away. "Thank you. But I should've told you, anyway, so it's all right."

[wesleysgirl.livejournal.com]

Wesley let his hand be held passively. He couldn't tell if Spike genuinely wanted the contact or was just trying to console him, and he'd run out of things to say.

[flaming-muse.livejournal.com]

Spike had the feeling that nothing he could say or do would matter to Wesley, but when he attempted to pull his hand back Wesley's fingers tightened on his. "What I am not saying that you need to hear?" he asked finally, since he didn't think he had much chance of figuring it out on his own. "As far as I'm concerned, it's over, pet."

[wesleysgirl.livejournal.com]

A slight shrug was all Wesley could manage. "I suppose I need a few minutes to adjust to the idea that you aren't leaving," he said after a moment.

[flaming-muse.livejournal.com]

"Take as long as you like. I'll be here," Spike said, squeezing Wesley's hand. He tried to focus on the fact that Wesley seemed upset about the thought of him leaving and not on how little Wesley knew him if he thought that Spike would.

[wesleysgirl.livejournal.com]

A few long seconds passed, then Wesley cleared his throat a bit and squeezed Spike's hand in return. "Should you really be on your feet?" he asked, attempting to get them back onto even ground.

[flaming-muse.livejournal.com]

"I don't feel any worse upright," Spike replied. The tension in his chest eased slightly.

[wesleysgirl.livejournal.com]

"No?" Wesley reached out slowly with his other hand and rubbed his fingertips over a line at Spike's temple, soothing it away.

[flaming-muse.livejournal.com]

Spike closed his eyes for a moment, concentrating on the feel of Wesley's fingers. "On a scale from one to ten, how I feel lying down and standing up both rank up there with listening to Angel sing."

[wesleysgirl.livejournal.com]

"I wish there was something I could do," Wesley said, sliding his fingers back into Spike's hair gently.

[flaming-muse.livejournal.com]

"You could tell me you're not going to be worrying about what happened all day." Spike added quickly, "If it's true."

[wesleysgirl.livejournal.com]

"That would help?" Wesley asked disbelievingly.

[flaming-muse.livejournal.com]

Continues here (http://www.livejournal.com/community/reality_bends/27851.html).